No EFFORT from BABY MOMMA!

[que90nek]

What does it mean when baby momma makes NO effort to keep in contact with me? Is she on a board somewhere talking about me? Is she holding my earlier decision to terminate her pregnancy against me? What could it be?
Could it be the fact that she grew up without her dad?

[seductive_tee]

You know what...my son's father demanded i abort....i told him at 15 who the fuck do you think you are!

No back to you...do you keep in contact with her? And how old is baby?

[Bedroomeyes]

There is no telling what's going on in her head.. But it should be an effort on both sides.. I'm going through the same thing with my daughter's father.. I am tired of constantly trying to get him to keep in touch.. The only time that she talks to him is if she or I call.. :rolleyes:

My last convo to him was that he was shit and I'm through trying to make him look good in her eyes.. I'm not calling anymore unless it's something important.. If he wants to talk to her.. Then he would have to call..

He called 2 days later to talk to her.. That was about 4 weeks ago.. He hasn't called since...

[que90nek]

Daughter is 7.
Lives in Hawaii.

The reason I wanted her to abort at the time was because I didnt think SHE was ready...I still don't. And I knew I wasnt!

To contact her I have to call several times because they are never at home...and they are on hawaiian time...which is 5-6 hrs behind ours.

[seductive_tee]

She may be mad at the fact that u married......

Did you tell her, that u think SHE not ready?

[que90nek]

of course i did...7 years ago!
but that's beside the point! for her it was not an option...she told me at that time that she was gonna do it...with or without me! then she had my daughter and immediately moved overseas! been overseas ever since.

[seductive_tee]

You could always fight for joint custody.

Sounds like she did some things out of spite.

[Tastey]

How often have you been to Hawaii to visit?

How often have you paid for your daughter to come visit with you?

I realize it's not easy, but if a relationship with your child is what you desire then you have to do everything in your power to make that happen regardless of what the mother does.

I'm not saying she's right, I'm just saying that ultimately we are only responsible for our own actions.

I think that she feels that you don't care one way or the other if you see your daughter or not and she's decided that if you see her, or talk to her it will be by your efforts alone.

I used to do thing to try and get my son and his father together, but not anymore. That's not my job...it's his job. If she NEVER calls you again that should not stop you from doing what you were going to do anyway.

[Juicey1]

Que, another thing you can do (you may be already) is write your daughter letters, send cards, just to let her know you are thinking about her. I say do this because you mentioned you have to call several times before you can get them.

Maybe sometime during the summer, offer to fly her to your home and let her stay for a couple weeks. Maybe you and wifey can take a trip to Hawaii and visit her.

Just try to keep in touch with your daughter. My daughter is 16 years old and can't stand her father. When she was about 8 or 9 I kept him away from her because he wanted to dip in and out of her life every year or two and expected for her to know who he was. I told him I wouldn't let him hurt my baby by dipping in and out of her life like that and confusing her. Now that she is older, she started writing him while he was in jail and he made all these promises to keep in touch and when he got out the letters stopped. Now he is back in there and she refuses to write to him. She keeps saying she is thinking about it. I don't even mention it to her. The funny thing is we live in the same state. Him in So. Texas and us in No. Texas.

At least if you "TRY" to keep in touch with her by phone & letter at least she can say you tried. Hopefully if you send her a letter or card, her mother will give it to her and not throw it away. Maybe you can include small presents or money to her sometime. Kids love getting that kind of stuff.

Ok, I will stop. I feel like Andre98 now with the long post. This is just a subject that touches me deeply.

[que90nek]

i havent been to hawaii to visit...but i did keep my daughter for a couple weeks this summer. i asked her mother for a school schedule with the thought that i would fly her out here for her december break...but i havent gotten the schedule yet. she is very forgetful.
i'll admit that sometimes i call once a week...but sometimes i'll let a week slip. could it be that she thinks i am dipping "in and out" of her life?

[Juicey1]

No Que, there is a definite difference between you and my baby's daddy. She wouldn't hear from him, see him or get any kind of mail from him. Then he would show up after about a 1 1/2 from the last time she saw him wanting to take her with him or trying to boss her and she wasn't having it, neither was I. She didn't really know him. My husband (boyfriend at that time) was living with me and she thought of him as her father. She knew he wasn't, but she called him daddy. She knew who would get up with her in the middle of the night and who was feeding her.

To me it sounds like you are trying. Letting a week slip by without calling is not dipping in and out of her life. Letting a year or two slip by is.

Its sad, but my daughter refers to him as a sperm donor. I told her not to say that, but thats exactly how she feels.

[Tastey]

She is not going to make things easy for you.

If you know what city they live in, get Hawaii information and get a school schedule for yourself.

Here they have a website that lists all holidays, report cards, whatever. It's not hard to get.

A few weeks a year is dipping in and out.

The distance is a problem however it's not unsurmountable.

I also agree with Juicy1 about the letters. If you write your child once a week, that would mean the world to her. She is 7 she can write back, and she will know that you are constantly thinking of her.

Also look at the fact that the one week you let calling or writing slip by...could have been an important week. She may have been down about a test, or a school issue, or even just had a cold. You didn't know these things of course...but if you had been in constant touch...you would.

Look at it this way. You see your Hush Fam daily...you take the time to visit and talk..DAILY..couldn't one or two of those days be spent writing or calling your daughter.

I'm not judging...just making a suggestion.

[Juicey1]

Good suggestion Tasty. Que, could you both converse by email also? I know some sites won't let kids have email addresses, but some will. Does she even have a computer? Maybe you could set aside one evening a week and write her a letter or send her a thinking of you card. My kids love getting mail. I just hope the mom doesn't stand in the way and not give her the mail.

My thing is just keep in touch. You may not send her a present or money, but a lot of times it means everything to a child to know that their father at least thinks about them and writes, calls, email, them. Its something that she will always remember.

[Tastey]

One more suggestion Que.

If she doesn't have a computer, get her one for Christmas. Tell her how to download AIM, Yahoo, MSN...or whatever Messenger service.

You can chat whenever you like.

Hook her up with net.zero or something like that.

My son is 8 and I chat with him about homework in the afternoons while I'm still at work. He logs onto my Mom's computer after school. We chat about 5 minutes (cus I'm at work) but he knows he can just log on and reach me, ya know.

[que90nek]

her mother is computer illiterate...they have a computer, but....her use of it is very limited. she's just now getting to where letters would be able to be read...and understood. i will give that a try.

i have to really work on that because i HATE snail mail....i do not like writing in the slightest. An occasional email would be nice..but.....

i doubt i will be able to get access to her school schedules, but i will try.


i understand all of what ya'll are saying, but let's try to answer the question...

why does she make NO effort?

number of times that she has called me: 2 times and that was this summer

i think her mother wanted more from me...i seriously believe that she thought that by having my child....i would stay in her life in a more romantic way....i think that she blames me for her inability RIGHT now to find a lasting relationship.

[Tastey]

Originally posted by que90nek+
i understand all of what ya'll are saying, but let's try to answer the question...

why does she make NO effort?

number of times that she has called me: 2 times and that was this summer.


Honestly Que,
Why should she?

When we have people in our lives whom we care about we make an effort to contact them. You (Que) are not an important person in her life.

As far as having your child. She vowed to do that with or without you. She's sticking by that.

I mean on the real what is she supposed to say when she does call you??? :confused:

"Hey Que, how are you? How's your wife? Well Uhm Do you want to talk to your child?"

Basically if you do want to talk to your child...call her. I don't see any real reason for this woman to be seeking you out.

Just my opinion.

[que90nek]

i bet if my check doesnt hit her bank account....she'll call!

but then again...she probably wouldnt!

i think that it should be a combined effort...on both of us.

[Bedroomeyes]

Why shouldn't she call? Like I said earlier, I used to call my daughter's father.. Not because I wanted to talk to him.. But because she wanted to..

I'm sure his daughter has asked to talk to her father because my daughter does..

It does seem like she is bitter about something.. Maybe yall need to put all the cards on the table and have a serious talk... About everything.. Including the abortion conversation since you believe it still has something to do with it..

IMO - I don't think she's still caught up about the abortion talk.. Hell - I think mostly everyone has that talk when unplanned/unexpected pregancies pop up.. I know I did... :rolleyes:

[OhSoPrecious]

Not trying to change the thread. . . but, this is so messed up~!! :( The fathers that want to be a part of the child's life. . . gets no cooperation from the Mom and the Moms that want the fathers to be cooperative. . won't~!! :rolleyes:

I wish my Baby's Daddy was making some type of effort to see our child~!!! :(

(sigh)

Why she's making no effort~?? :confused:
Que, only she and God knows why she's not making an effort. . . to keep in touch... just ask her~!!! ;) Like your poem says. . just don't turn your back on your child~!! :) I know you won't . . .

[ThickBodyHottie]

Ms. Tastey....you hit that shit RIGHT on the head...why SHOULD she?
your relationship with your daughter has nothing to do with her - period.
and, yes, if you missed payment, she must do her duty...but to work to keep the lines of communication between you and the child - that's YOUR job...HER job is to make sure you know where the child is...that's all.

[Brightness]

Okay, I'm gonna have to disagree with this one here.

I think it's important for the child to see that her parent's can interact like two adults and not act irrational and like she is just an 'accident' making them have to deal with each other.

I tried to have a better relationship with my daughter's father but he was ixnay on that especially after he got married he tried to send messages to me through her.

I told him we are all adults here and we are the ones to have the conversation regarding the child not have the child acting as the messenger between us.

When I finally saw him after 7 years, I asked to meet his wife and he couldn't fathom why I needed to do that. BTW, his wife wasn't opposed to it and told him so. I can see now that I have to talk to her and tell her to talk to him for me. She's been instrumental in helping me tolerate him more and getting him to get his head out his butt for a little while. I have a little smalltalk with her if she answers, I ask to speak to her over the phone if she's there or I tell him to relay that I said hello. . .don't know if he does or doesn't but whatever. I also tell my daughter that she speak with her stepmother and stepsister briefly if her father's not there when she calls, too so she doesn't make them feel uncomfortable. I told her it's just plain rude to say, "Is my dad there? Well, tell him Kiki called. " But then again the apple don't fall far from the tree 'cause that's exactly what I've been trying to get her father out of the habit of doing.

Anyway, I think we are on the road to being able to talk briefly and I can sense that my daughter enjoys that more so that's not too big a sacrifice to make for her sake and sanity.



Originally posted by Tastey+


Honestly Que,
Why should she?

When we have people in our lives whom we care about we make an effort to contact them. You (Que) are not an important person in her life.

As far as having your child. She vowed to do that with or without you. She's sticking by that.

I mean on the real what is she supposed to say when she does call you??? :confused:

"Hey Que, how are you? How's your wife? Well Uhm Do you want to talk to your child?"

Basically if you do want to talk to your child...call her. I don't see any real reason for this woman to be seeking you out.

Just my opinion.

[seductive_tee]

Que....if you were not in that childs life from the beginning, then i can see where she coming from......but on the other hand i see your point.....your daughter is now 7, how many summers have you had her...do you have any kind of custody.....do you make it a point to call her say every Wednesday and Sunday.

Has your daughter ever lived near you?

And i stick with my original statement, she maybe a lil upset that you got married.

Who knows if she down there bad talking you but remember she is seven, and not all 7 year olds ask about daddy...is she seeing someone to your knowledge?

And when u write her...you right her....address it to her.....in words she understands......

That poem....frame it for her 10th birthday or something or give it to her personally when you know she is able to read it. Now her mother will probably have a word or two for you but still.

Question....what does your wife say? How does she feel about it?

[que90nek]

my daughter has lived in
japan
portugal
and
now hawaii.

her mother and i are very civil...even friendly. she has met my wife....my wife stays out of the situation, but i think my wife wants me to push for court ordered visitation....after assuring that the child is mine...(another story)

[seductive_tee]

Ok, momma military too or was........

Question, do u doubt paternity?

You think her mother will send up some macadonium (sp) nuts? I hear they much cheaper down there.

[que90nek]

yes she is military.
and
yes, i doubt paternity...but i really have no basis. cept for gut feeling.

lol...yeah some macadamia nuts...!;)

[Tastey]

Why have you paid child support this long and established a relationship if you doubt paternity??? :confused:

I'm sorry I know paternity tests are not easy or inexpensive but I'll be damned if I would be paying and calling someone mine if my gut was telling me different.

I mean I would have to know PERIOD!

[que90nek]

the paternity issue is a tough one....
i will explain fully.....in a bit

[ThickBodyHottie]

damn, que...you den fucked up...i feel extremely sorry for that child...you have doubts about paternity, but you're gonna wait all this time to prove it...

like you told lovely - we don't know all the sides...

and like i told here - if the father cared, a visitation case would already be in the courts...

good luck with it...

[ThickBodyHottie]

Originally posted by Tastey+
Why have you paid child support this long and established a relationship if you doubt paternity??? :confused:

I'm sorry I know paternity tests are not easy or inexpensive but I'll be damned if I would be paying and calling someone mine if my gut was telling me different.

I mean I would have to know PERIOD!

ms. tastey - we are...right...there...
it's a trip how guys take parenthood so lightly, yet, if que were a woman, he'd be having a hissy fit the first time there was any interruption in visitation...

[que90nek]

obviously my doubts are not strong enough to act on them.
my unwillingness to act at the time was an effort by yours truly to stay out of jail and employed.
no need to feel sorry for my daughter...she is well taken care of.

it was not my choice to be a parent...i knew I was not ready! that's what is f'd up about pro-choice...the choice is left to one, but the responsibility rests with both.

ms tbh...i know we don't know all the sides...and that was the purpose of my posts...to ask the question of what it could be.....not necessarily what it is....

[ThickBodyHottie]

Originally posted by que90nek+
...the choice is left to one, but the responsibility rests with both.



no, love...the choice is left to BOTH - your choice just comes first - with the use of a condom or abstinance


que, i love you but you KNOW you need to put up or shut up...right?:hammer

[Brightness]

Since when do you get fired and thrown in jail for requesting a paternity test? Did you formally waive taking a paternity test during a court hearing just so things would be hurried along with little fuss?

Originally posted by que90nek+
obviously my doubts are not strong enough to act on them.
my unwillingness to act at the time was an effort by yours truly to stay out of jail and employed.
no need to feel sorry for my daughter...she is well taken care of.

it was not my choice to be a parent...i knew I was not ready! that's what is f'd up about pro-choice...the choice is left to one, but the responsibility rests with both.

ms tbh...i know we don't know all the sides...and that was the purpose of my posts...to ask the question of what it could be.....not necessarily what it is....

[que90nek]

since u r in the military...and u r an officer and she is enlisted.

[FAMU]

This is a situation that many men that have children outside of marriage face on a daily basis. I feel that this woman treats you in this regard because she considers you to be non-essential to the growth of yall daughter. Why does she feel that way? It maybe rooted in the fact that you have moved on and have started a family with someone else. I know you pay child support, but most woman see this as only a token because in all honesty it takes more than money to take care of a child and being a father means more than occasional visits and monthly payments(I think you this already). I understand that you want to be a father to your child but , lets be honest, how effective of a father could you be from D.C.? I could understand this better if you both were in the same city, but the distance that are between you and her makes this situation very diffcult. Not to mention the fact that she has been abroad for much of her 7 years of life. What is you and your daughter relationship like? Does she know really know you like a child should know her parent? All I trying to say is that the reason that she is acting the way that she is acting is because she may find you non-essential despite your efforts and concerns.

[ThickBodyHottie]

Originally posted by Mr. Famu+
she is acting the way that she is acting is because she may find you non-essential despite your efforts and concerns.

you hit it right on the head...after all, what child needs another uncle who lives in another portion of the world bearing gifts on holidays?

[que90nek]

that's what is f'd up about this...this is why i didnt want to be a single parent...

any who....i spoke with her last nite...and asked her why she never calls....she said that she couldnt if she wanted to now because the teenager that is living with them got their phone long distance cut off (another story)...

she explained to me how busy she is...yada yada....especially with this war and all. i always feel so good when i speak with my daughter!!! she read to me over the phone one of her assignments...it was great.

i see where u r coming from famu...my daughter and i have a relationship...but it obviously isnt where i want it to be.

[seductive_tee]

Que, since she is military, and if she is called off to where ever, will u care for your daughter, physically...would she let u?

[que90nek]

she has to give power of attorney for both her daughter and her sister to somebody close....that would not be me. It is her supervisors wife or somebody like that...now if she were to die...this would be a different story.

[FAMU]

You mean to tell me that if she goes to war you can't get custody of your daughter? Now thats :fu up!!! BTW, what does her sister have to due with you getting your daughter anyway:confused: Let her mother get whats her and you get whats yours. Plain and simple

[que90nek]

no.

what i am sayin is if she got deployed tomorrow...somebody else would have temporary custody.

but if she were to die while deployed...then I would come in to play.

[sistuhchey]

Que, whatever you do...don't wait to long....because then you'll have a bitter daughter, with bitter feelings about her father!!!

also, appears to me that you're going to have to be the aggressive one here and follow thru....especially if you want a relationship...point blank!!!

Sometimes in life we have to truly,truly work hard at the things we want.......Good Luck!

[Juicey1]

So Que, how is it going with you & your daughter? Have you been keeping in touch with her, sending her cards, whatever?

[que90nek]

YES!

Things have been SO much better ...thanks to the FAM! You all gave me her perspective which gave me better understanding...not to expect very much from her at all! and i don't!

i still initiate ALL contact but...i do it at least once a week...my daughter has come to expect my calls...and that...my friends...

makes ME feel so so good.

[HulaSista]

good! :D

[Brightness]

Don't underestimate that that's a good thing for her, too. It is much better for a child to EXPECT (and receive) rather than exhibit SURPRISE or INDIFFERENCE.



Originally posted by que90nek+

i still initiate ALL contact but...i do it at least once a week...my daughter has come to expect my calls...and that...my friends...

makes ME feel so so good.

[Juicey1]

That makes me very happy Que. I am glad that you to get to talk to each other every week. That does my heart good. I love it when a brotha keeps in contact with the child no matter how far away that child may be.

[scoops]

Baby mama drama.
I dont even want to go there...........maybe later

But I think your situation got better I remember reading that your daughter is living with you now or will be shortly