Confused

[lovely]

I havent seen my daughter's father in over a year..and he hasnt seen (or supported) her for about two years. Well he went through some rough times since the beginning of this year and now he is telling me that he is ready to settle down and make our relationship work. We were together for over four years, engaged for one and our daughter will be five this year. I care about him alot. I don't love him like i used to. I've been with other me and i know what i was missing and i don't think i could settle for he has to offer. He tells me that he cares..and last night he said that he was falling hard for me and then he wanted to know what i was feeling. I couldnt tell him the same thing, and he was upset. I know that i could love him again, but i think that i would be loving the fact that he is our daughter's father and not really loving him (hopefully that makes sense). And i have so many walls and barriers set up from our past that i know that our relationship would need some working out, even before we took another step forward. But he doesnt see this. He thinks that if two people love each other than they should go for it and then see where it leads. Well we have been here several times and each time he has let us down. But he says that this time he is for real. But then again..he has said this before. It is the most confusing time in my life. Some of my friends and even my f**king buddy said that that is my daughter's father and i should give hime another chance. What do ya'll think?

[Juicey1]

Maybe you should try dating him again. See him but see others also. Make him earn your trust again. Its hard to try to trust a person again after they have let you down numerous times. Pray on it and maybe just take it slow. If you wants you back as bad as he says he does, he will hang in there and do whatever it takes to get you back.

[seductive_tee]

Ok, why did he not atleast see your daughter for 2 years? Regardless of you two being together or not, he still has a responsibility to his child. I think that should be your main focus.

I don't recall you saying anything about the time he is now spending with your daughter.

Now, would you rather him be a father to your child or a lover to you? He not only walked out of the relationship but he walked out of 2 years of your child's life.....do you want him to come back, stay for 2 years and walk another 2?

[Tastey]

Has he changed?

If he hasn't there is no reason to think things will be different.

If he has then I say give it another try.

[mitzy]

Juicy1+ said it all...

[mack_black]

Dang....

yet another story of what could be a failed relationship....

I know thats your baby's father.... and I can understand your confusion with the brotha saying one thing and doing another...

Based on your post....I think you know exactly what to do...so why dont ya listen to that internal voice before you get a :beating
again...

The one thing here that I really dont like is the fact that he has not supported his daughter..Im serious, the hell with you (please dont get upset, its just a point of view :D ) but his daughter is a responsibility that he should have never neglected..and that says alot to me about his maturity level, regardless of what he has been through......

I will admit that some of us men dont mature fast enough...and when we finally do, its too late...

maybe that is the best lesson of all....

BTW ms. Lovely.... could that be your real picture ?

[lovely]

if he has changed or not. I told him i need for him to prove himself to me. But he told me that he doesnt feel that he should have to prove himself to me...and that i should just believe what he says. Which is hard because like i said before, we have been here before and he has said the exact words to me. And i have been hurt that he walked out of my life...but the fact that he did this to our daughter..it tears me apart when holidays and birthdays come around and he is not with her. And she asked questions about him and she tells her friends her daddy did this, and is going to take her this place..and he aint doing shit for her. She once asked about him and i told her that he lived far away. Later that same day she was watching TV and saw a disney commerical and she said she wanted to go there and i said that was far away, then she started telling people her father lived at disneyworld. That pisses me off..that she doesnt even know him and she talks more about him than she does me. He is not spending time with our daughter now, He lives in New England amd I in MD, We have been talking again for about two months, and he is coming down here next weekend. I dont know what i would do if he left our daughter again. Thats whats so scary about the whole thing. I want him so bad to be her father, more so than i want him to be my lover(although that was nice).

And mack_black+, no that is not me...my breasts are bigger;)

[ThickBodyHottie]

HOLD UP!
fuck that shit, ms. lovely...you mean to tell me dude cut off ALL types of communication (verbal AND $$$) with your daughter while HE was going through?

what about when YOU were going through? did you deny your child then?

fuck that nigga...move on - never chew your cabbage twice. there's a reason that nigga's an ex...

[mack_black]

I gotta agree with TBH.....

it could just be a booty call...and then .....





he vanishes into thin air.....got what he wanted.....at the very least he needs to prove something (and I dont agree with that personally) but his record shows that lip service means nothing..why should you just believe him ?

Maybe your confusion stems from the fact that ya got addicted to what the dick did and wouldnt mind gettin hit again :hammer....if so,cool :cool: ....but dont get emotionally involved....dont get caught up..dont believe the hype.....or just succumb to getting used...again :rolleyes:

its your choice right about now...

disclaimer:

of course we only see your side of the story...maybe you're the Bitch from hell? :D

[ThickBodyHottie]

she very well COULD be the bitch from hell (which, in that case, i would be honored to have vibed with her), but that does not excuse dude from communicating with the child.

you're right, mack...that's definitely booty-call, she-always-gone-be-around-for-me-no-matter-what-i-do action...

[Toffee]

I have to agree with TBH.. I have a problem with him not seeing his daughter for over two years. It's okay to get yourself together but the fact that he has not called or even tried to inquire about his daughter tells me enough about him..... Let him start by trying to be there for her.. He trying so hard to be there for you.

[Sparkles]

Just know Lovely we all go through things from time to time, but whatever it is, your children should never ever have to suffer behind it! If he didn't tink enough of her or you then, how do you know it iwll be different this time. Are you will to re-live your past?!?!? So i say:fu if he thinks that he can just come back and SAY he's change, naw bru wrong fucking answer.

I say just let him be what he has been all along your BABBY DADDY and working on salvaging his relationsip with his daughter, instead of trying to hit U!!!!



Originally posted by ThickBodyHottie+
she very well COULD be the bitch from hell (which, in that case, i would be honored to have vibed with her), but that does not excuse dude from communicating with the child.

you're right, mack...that's definitely booty-call, she-always-gone-be-around-for-me-no-matter-what-i-do action... :fu

[que90nek]

i'm not gonna excuse him from seeing and supporting his daughter...but sometimes the mother can impede the relationship of daughter/father....i don't know the full story in this case...but i'll assume that mothre did everything she could do to involve him in the childs life.

mack...what pic?

[ThickBodyHottie]

let's say that were true, que...that lovely stood in the way of the communication...then dude should have a pending case for visitation rights IN THE COURT right now...if not, he really wasn't concerned...

face the facts, star...

[mack_black]

I thought that the avatar was a real pic......

[Brightness]

I agree that you seem to know what to do within yourself and that confusion is trying to second guess yourself.

I have little respect for men who get ghost and claim they needed to work things out or needed space and they leave a woman and child in limbo like it ain't nothing. That's very unfair of him to believe he has nothing to prove given his past.

And I can relate with you on the hurt feelings about your daughter 'fantasizing' in regards to her father. . .I have and still do go through that with my 11 year old daughter. It would cut me like a knife some of the things she said and not even know.

Sadly, that's natural for children to make up a 'perfect relationship' because they have nothing from which to work.

[Bedroomeyes]

My daughter's father is the same way.. I have to damn near cuss him out for him to even call her.. And we wont even talk about him not paying his child support.. :rolleyes:

But the nigga always trying to get in the pants.. Nigga please! Are you stupid are what!! :fu :blah:

I say leave him be.. You're setting yourself up for another heartache.... Let him work on his relationship with his daughter first before he tries to work on anything else....

[seductive_tee]

Originally posted by que90nek+
mack...what pic?

I don't see a pic either...it's a box with an X

[Tastey]

Her Avatar is The Brat (I think).

I can see it at work but I can't see it on my home computer.

Go figure. :confused:

[mack_black]

Dang Tastey...

I think you're right..that is the brat..with her fine azz self....

[Vronni]

I think that you should definetely encourage him to have a solid relationship with his child but his behavior is pretty questionable. You should really think about WHY you want to get back with this man,based on his past behavior? Would you become involved with any other man if he behaved that way and didn't see his child for 2 years? He can be in his daughter's life without you two being in a relationship,but it's your call....

[lovely]

Last night i thought about things. I sometimes wonder why i cant just tell him to go to hell. I dont get anything from him...no money (at all), no sex (in over a year), he doesnt spend time with our child, gifts...nothing at all. Why cant I just leave him alone. The sex was nice, but i aint had it in so long..i still wouldnt be addicted, would I? I don't know. I just know that if this thing moves forward that i want it to be taken very slow. And he wants it to happen quickly(within a year). I am in school now, i am finally happy and content with who i am...without him...and i am working toward personal goals and he doesnt fit there. And Brightness i have to agree with you about the respect thing. I dont know if i have respect for him anymore. I think that once i see him that there will be a foul taste in my mouth..if you know what i mean. I want to see him...but there is so much bitterness there...it could be an explosive situation. Mack...I put this man before everybody and everything in my life. No I am not perfect, but I did everything in my power to make him happy. And I mean everything. Moved out of my mother's house..cause he wanted me to be closer to him, didnt enforce child support orders..cause he wanted to be able to take care of her in his own way, suck his dick whenever he wanted, even aborted a baby..just too keep him. Anything. And maybe that was my mistake..being wimpy and not the strong black woman that i am now.

[mitzy]

lovely, sounds like to me you are answering your own question...I think you may have out grown this brother. I believe that once you see him all your answers will be clear. like you said baby..."a strong black woman".

[FAMU]

Originally posted by lovely+
). I am in school now, i am finally happy and content with who i am...without him...and i am working toward personal goals and he doesnt fit there


If you understand this, then why even consider putting yourself through this?

[lovely]

what i need to do. But telling him will be the one of the hardest things that i have ever done. But I do need to do this. And i will.

[FAMU]

What is so hard about telling someone who took your love for granted, who left you to raise the daughter that you both created together, who has not even been considered enough to call or give financial support to you, and is selfish enough to think that he can come in your life when he gets ready to get to stepping? If you have grown into this strong black woman that you said that you have become then this would be a cake walk. You need to find someone that compliments with the happiness that you now have and is consistance with you future goals. Welcome him into your daughter's life, but show him the exit door as far as you and him are concern.

[lovely]

and was like damn Mr Famu...couldnt you be a little easier on a sista. But you are very, very true. Thank you!

[ThickBodyHottie]

misery does not wear the same outfit, mr. famu...
though ms. lovely may have been awake, she may not have been aware...

when dealing with ex's, one mush rehash why the relationship died in the first place...i mean, drag yourself through it all over again...remember the sights, emotions, smells, the whole bit...only then should one ask, "is it worth it?"

[SoftNwet]

Originally posted by lovely+
, i am finally happy and content with who i am...without him...and i am working toward personal goals and he doesnt fit there.

Very simply............If it don't fit.........don't force it!!

I know where you are coming from. Having this mans child and wanting to be a family and all but there comes a time that you have to realize that this man had no intention on making a family with you. If he did he would not have walked away so easily and stayed gone for 2 years. Yeah, yeah, he wants you to let him back in but just so he can phuck up your head enough to think that you can not make it without him. Well that is not the case. You have moved on, and so should he. Let him know that you will love him for the gift he gave you (Your daughter) but as far as being in love with him..........that love don't live here any more!!!!!

[mack_black]

I see why it could be hard for you to do what you have to do.....
seems like you gave alot..and its just hard to break away; its like it would be good if you could cash in, so to speak...but you know it will be the best thing for you, to leave him alone....there is someone out there who will do right by you....and it doesnt appear to be him......

oh yeah..listen to what soft said to :D

[lovely]

My daughter and I spent the weekend with her father. We went to see Toy Story 2 on Ice, to some museums in DC, out to dinner, church on Sunday and i cooked dinner last night. It was an interesting weekend and very informative. I realized that i could be friends with this man, have fun and laugh with him and our daughter and that be it. This morning before he left I told him that it wouldnt work between us (but that the sex was really good and we might be able to work something out in that area) He is special to me and he will always hold a special place in my heart. But ya'll are right, I have outgrown him. And although it does seem like he has matured a lot over the last year and a half it is too late.

[Juicey1]

So what did he have to say in response to the lets just be friends speech?

[lovely]

he didnt take it as hard as i wished he would. I mean i wanted tears, snot, temper tantrums...all of that.:D I could tell he was dissapointed..but not surprised. He said you never know what's going to happen in the future. And i told him not to waste time trying to make this happen. Right now is not the time...and I personally can't see it happening at all. I told him i dont want him to be waiting for four years like i did. So this morning when i dropped him off at the airport it was kind of sad. But in actually i look at this as the beginning of another, more important relationship....our relationship as parents to a wonderful beautiful little girl. And that relationship is so much more important and prosporous than any other type of relationship between the two of us.:)

[mack_black]

Well Ms Lovely,

I wish you the best of luck and I hope it all works out for the best of everyone involved.... :D

[Brightness]

Sounds like you are on your way. . .I don't know if you were being serious about the sex thing or playing but I think that you shouldn't blur the lines of your parental relationship with sex. It's hard to keep having sex with someone you care deeply for and subsequently had a child and then just expect it to be reduced to sex only. Anybody who's gone that route can almost assuredly advise you of that one. If he's intending to be in his daughter's life then let that be without any further complication or implication which might fall back to you.