breaking your child's heart...

[sinnah]

What would you do if someone close to you (a sibling) just didn't seem to like your child? And this is obvious to others besides yourself. Plus the child is old enough to feel what's going on and ask why "Relative X" doesn't like me? (Relative X is not the type of person to tell you if they are mad...and if you ask, generally you get a non-answer - "nothing".)

Keep in mind that this is a very loving, well-behaved child - no angel but no worse than the average child.

Now that the child has been reduced to tears behind this grown person's behavior, what would you do? Cut ties to this person?

Need some advice, Fam, cuz this is breaking my heart, too...

[lovely]

Originally posted by sinnah
Cut ties to this person?



i will not allow anyone to hurt my child.

so after speaking to this ADULT...who does not like MY child...and that ADULT's attitude doesnt change...oh hell yeah...cut them with the quickness.

theres enough hurt in the world that my child will have to go through...i will not purposly stick them in that type of situation.

nope...not at all.

[Tastey]

I have a similar situation.

I don't think it's that my siblings don't LIKE my child but it's that my child is spoiled by both me and his grandmother. He gets away with alot of things and so there is some jealousy and resentment towards my child.

Because of that, sometimes my siblings or their spouses have said some things to my child that I did not like at all.
And some things that hurt my childs feelings.

But we simply confronted those people and let them know that unless he has done something or even if he had that there was no reason to treat him that way.

Since then things are getting better.

Try talking to them first Sinnah.

[MsMeelah]

Childen are so delicate and it's obvious to your child that this person does not care for them. No matter how much love they are getting, the rejection from this one person can be damaging well into adulthood. It may sound dramatic but some of us right here on this board are products of this kind of stuff. I would try talking to them first, they may not admit it, hell they may not even admit it to themselves. But by bringing it to thier attention, it may cause them to evualate themselve and hopefully make a change.If it continues I would have to cut ties
:fu

[Brightness]

Children can be very perceptive and in this case you say it's obvious to you and other adults/grown people as well. . .then I would have a "group talk" with them if I felt the person would try to be smart with me one-on-one and deny it.

Let everyone give their observations or examples and give this person, the chance to speak their peace and make them aware that their behavior is affecting the child.

If nothing changed, then I would feel it was up to me to cut ties for the welfare of the child. . .as much as I could without the child being aware.

[HulaSista]

my sisters use to do this to my son...

and i had no problems opening my mouth and saying "wtf is wrong with you?"

i treat their children like they mine, so, why can't they?

so when i get a whif of an attitude towards my child, not only do i say something, i say something in front of our parent so that all 3 of us can get up in that ass...

then i teach my child to forgive them and continue to love and show love...

[sistuhchey]

make a point of spending a great deal of time with my neices and nephews of all ages...good and bad....I'll luv 'em play with 'em and tap that azz if i have too.....

There's no excuse for an adult to act like a child towards a child...so I'll defintely be putting them in check!!!..phuck cutting the ties...this is your neice or nephew...deal with him/her and you better show love!!!...Treat my child the way I treat yours......

Auntie Chey don't play that....:beating

[sinnah]

I tried talking to this person and besides getting either no answer or denial, you get the cold shoulder and no conversation at all. I would hate to cut ties but at this point it seems to be the only option.

Like all of you, I treat EVERYBODY'S kids like my own and this just baffles me. And I really don't want this mess to scar my baby. I am teaching my child to NOT be the way folks are to you and not to let it change who YOU are. But dammit, it's just so unfair...

I appreciate all of you for your input and support...ongoing suggestions would really be appreciated because this is only going to get harder to deal with - once the ties are severed...:(

[mystkev]

Well, I don't like my niece too much, but I don't treat her bad. I love her, but she's still a major pain in the ass.

If your child is bad, always sassing, don't expect me to like them. Quite frankly, I don't have to. Just like there has to be something about an adult you like, the same goes for a child.

But if your child's feelings are being hurt, you should talk to the person and see what's the deal.

[mystkev]

Originally posted by sinnah
because this is only going to get harder to deal with - once the ties are severed...:( Since you can't change how that person acts, then it probably would be best not to be around them.

Then just focus on your child, let them know that it's not them, it's that person. If your child is well mannered, then it probably is some kind of jealousy issue. Ain't nothing you can do about it, so remove yourself and your child from that environment. It would be best for the both of you.

Why will it be harder to deal w/once the ties are severed?

Because of family gatherings and such?

[seductive_tee]

Does this person have children of there own? It maybe jealousy.

[MsMeelah]

yet another "childless person" stereotype

everything is said or done in the name of jealously .. :rolleyes:

[seductive_tee]

I asked that because i have seen some people that don't have children and are jealous of those who do.

[sistuhchey]

I would not cut ties...go on as usual...when the aunt or uncle gets out of line...I'd nip it in the bud "Johnny on the spot"..in front of friends and relatives...and then tell my baby...Aunt so-so is a lil crazy..she ain't playing with a full deck...in front of family.....she'll get the picture...the resentment probably is due to the both of you...some old age sore that hasn't healed...and she/he takes it out on your child......

(True story)
One of my nieces..every Sunday when we where at Church..and you pass the offering table....her grandchildren would stop at her pew...(the mother's board ) and her grandbabies would kiss her, and give her love.... when my neice would pass and give her a kiss this old lady pinched her hard every Sunday..... Finally my niece said she didn't like her paternal grandmother..I asked why??..and she told me..I told my sister...The following Sunday..same ritual but when my neice stopped to give her a kiss my sister squeezed in the pew..and said loud...Listen Old lady..don't pinch my child any more....or I'm going to pinch you....embarrased her in front of the whole church!!!....No more pinches happened...... (Although that was over 20 years ago and the lady is now dead) you gotta nip it in the bud!!!

[HulaSista]

Originally posted by sistuhchey+
(True story)
One of my nieces..every Sunday when we where at Church..and you pass the offering table....her grandchildren would stop at her pew...(the mother's board ) and her grandbabies would kiss her, and give her love.... when my neice would pass and give her a kiss this old lady pinched her hard every Sunday..... Finally my niece said she didn't like her paternal grandmother..I asked why??..and she told me..I told my sister...The following Sunday..same ritual but when my neice stopped to give her a kiss my sister squeezed in the pew..and said loud...Listen Old lady..don't pinch my child any more....or I'm going to pinch you....embarrased her in front of the whole church!!!....No more pinches happened...... (Although that was over 20 years ago and the lady is now dead) you gotta nip it in the bud!!!


gaaaaaaaaat damn!

[MsMeelah]

Originally posted by seductive_tee+
I asked that because i have seen some people that don't have children and are jealous of those who do.


I know, I believe it happens but I was just saying that this is a sterotype or an automatic assumption of people with no children.
Marriage too.... If someone in your circle gets married, or has a child and you are unmarried/childless people automatically assume you are jealous. .
But it seems to only apply to women. another freakin double standard :rolleyes:

[sinnah]

Why is this person tripping? It's not jealousy - they have offspring of their own. And "nipping it in the bud" would be like thowing gasoline on a fire...not a good idea. wish it were that easy - well, not easy but anyway...even if my child was annoying or out of control, I still can't excuse that from an adult. I've been around some little bad-asses and irritating kids BUT I never made them feel like crying. If they were outta pocket, then yeah, I'll say what needs to be said- just like it was done when I was growing up. Everybody could get on you. But people never acted like this...

Really leaning towards putting some distance between us and if that doesn't help, then we'll just keep moving further away.

I just wish I knew why...

[HulaSista]

Originally posted by sinnah
I just wish I knew why...


you know folks can be evil and sometimes even THEY don't know why...

[Andre98]

And boy oh boy, this is tough on two fronts:
1. Because I am not there to experience the nuances, yet commenting on it and...
2. I am not a parent, so I can only speak from the uncle viewpoint with nieces/nephews. I can only imagine the anxiety with this being your child.

Okay, so here are the two things....

1. Cutting ties, at least for a while....
One of the down sides of choosing this is, it brings attention to the issue with the rest of the family, paints you as the villain if it cant be explained why, and doesnt resolve your child's angst....it just sort of puts it on hold. Won't the separation involve your child not seeing the kids of your relative that are the same age (if that's the case)? For holidays, birthdays, the tension will be that much higher. Perhaps with time, the issue can be re-addressed after separation, or some break through achieved once absense makes the heart grow fonder. It could be that there was a single incident that kicked off this estrangement, or it could be that your relative really doesn't know why they are feeling hostile toward your kid, but can't help acting out, like Hula said...some folks are just evil. It is not fair to your child, but there is a chance that your relative really doesn't THINK they are being mean. Things like depression rarely follow textbook symptoms. I lean toward number two.

2. Establishing details, gathering facts to confront the person. In whatever way this may be part of their nature, they need to learn that they don't rule the world, and that a child, and especially their relative deserves better. You have to build a case, have a comeback to their feigning ignorance, because they can sit back forever and say "where's the receipts?" like Whitney Houston was saying in her fog of denial.

You said in the opening post that it was obvious to your child, and "others" that this relative does not like your child. You also said you don't know why, and that the relative denies any such feeling. In my efforts to see this in 3D, as though I am there, what's missing in the equation is exactly what this hostility manifests itself as. When your child says that, have they said what the relative has done specifically? Dirty looks, harsh language, (hopefully not) any physical hitting or jostling of any type? It would kill me to not know why, but I would also want to know "what" acts have actually happened. That should be able to be laid out by your child, or more importantly, by any of these "others" that may also feel your relative's unfriendly vibe towards your child. If any of these others are other adults in the family, Bingo! They should be able to give you a rundown of what constitutes this hostility. They may be unwilling to get in it, but in private, you have to impress on them the importance of this, and swear if you have to that you won't involve them directly. So if I am correct in assessing that you are saying you haven't witnessed anything yourself, then this happens when you are not present? What occasions are these that your child is in their company and who else was there?

Let me make this clear: I am not trying to cast doubt on whether there IS anything....I am sure that if your child is telling you there is a problem, then there is. I am just trying to, like the pinch thing in the church sistuhchey described, point out exactly what is done that has them feeling unloved by this person. And I do mean actual dates, like during a sleepover last month, or at a barbeque last July, the relative did X, Y, and Z.

I only say all this because I feel a similar estrangement in my extended family, although it's more among the adults. If you were to ask the ones involved, they would profess to be clueless as to what you are talking about. Me? I can nail it on the head, detail specific actions and things said.... I'll spare you those details (lawd knows I can go on!), but all I'd want for you is to resolve that it's not just something in the air... that there is concrete instances that can be the anchor to staging an intervention on this relative, or at least, in feeling justified in cutting them off. The intervention/gas on a fire thing can be painful, but it can potentially also have long term good results. You might find out that your child is not the only child in the collective family experiencing this from this person.

I wish you the best....