To bribe or not to bribe.....that is the question?

[14KBlaqWmn]

I was listening to this lady and her child on the radio the other day. She told her child, if you don't be good, I'm not gonna take you to the concert. My first thought was, why is she bribing her child to be good.

I hear a lot of parents say this to their children. Is this really helping the child to learn good behavior or teaching them that the only time you need to be good is when you want something?

[SoftNwet]

"Evertime I do something good I am supposed to get a reward." and that is not the case. They will only do good when they want something or because they know a reward is in store. They should learn that doing well is it's own reward.

[dulce]

Originally posted by SoftNwet+
...They should learn that doing well is it's own reward.

Exactly! My son used to ask me "what do I get?" when I told him to take out the garbage or some other household chore..I told him that he gets to live in a clean house! He's over that now because I let him know that there are things that you are SUPPOSED to do...like behave, homework, chores and ain't no rewards coming based solely on doing the right thing. I also point out to him that nobody is giving me "rewards" for keeping a roof over his head and clothes on his back...but then I don't expect that because I'm SUPPOSED to do that. But between the mamas in here, ya'll know that a good child is it's own reward! ;)

[FoxEMomma]

You either keep your little azz still or I'm gonna beat dat azz!!

No need for bribing. I don't have time to be my children's friend. That's not my job. My job is to raise you into a productive woman/man. That's what's wrong with the children today.

[swtjamaica]

...if you don't be good, i'ma beat your ass!!! wtf???

[Tastey]

Originally posted by 14KBlaqWmn+
I was listening to this lady and her child on the radio the other day. She told her child, if you don't be good, I'm not gonna take you to the concert.

I don't see this as a bribe. To me if she had said "Be good and I'll take you to the concert" it would be a bribe. But in this instance it seems she is saying if you are not good you will be punished and your punishment will be...not going to the concert.

I often tell my son, if you don't do what I say...I will take away a priviledge such as watching TV, or going to the movies. That's not bribing him to be good...that's punishment for the bad.

But I have NEVER told him..."If you behave you'll get ______ because the understanding is you are to behave no matter what and IF you don't...you will SUFFER the consequences.

[Brightness]

I know a lot of child psychologists are in favor of tactics such as these but I disagree wholeheartedly. A CHILD does what a CHILD is told to do because an ADULT told them. . .I don't throw any bargaining tools into the mix and I don't think that using that threatening method is good either. Supposed the child changed their mind or acted spiteful despite the fact they she threw in that little blurb about the concert. . .then the mother's little tactic is shot to hell.

My daughter knows that if she doesn't do something that the results will be bad and far-reaching. . .

[14KBlaqWmn]

Originally posted by Tastey+


I don't see this as a bribe. To me if she had said "Be good and I'll take you to the concert" it would be a bribe. But in this instance it seems she is saying if you are not good you will be punished and your punishment will be...not going to the concert.
.
Either way you phrase it, the child is being taught that in order to get something, you have be on your best behavior. Doing your best and acting your best are things that children are supposed to do.....not things that they do only when they are gonna get some kind of benefit from it.

[Tastey]

Originally posted by 14KBlaqWmn+

Either way you phrase it, the child is being taught that in order to get something, you have be on your best behavior. Doing your best and acting your best are things that children are supposed to do.....not things that they do only when they are gonna get some kind of benefit from it.

I agree that a child should not be taught that they get a reward for doing something good.

But the phrasing of it is important. The phrasing of it changes the meaning completely.

Especially with children, because a child will test a parent just to see how far they can go. I remember once my sister told my nephew he could not ride his bike...so he rode the neighbors bike.

Kids take you literally, and phrasing is essential to their understanding.

[lightandlovely1]

Several years ago Shirley Ceasar put out a song called No Charge. In the song, a young man gave his mother a list of the things he did around the house and presented her with a bill for his services. And the mother responded with all that she did for him and will continue to do for him and then she marked her bill - No Charge. The son was so moved that his response was to say his bill had been paid in full.

I think I was about 7 or 8 when the song came out and I remember my mother using the song to illustrate to me that when she gave to me, it was because she wanted to and that I couldn't expect any type of payment for the things that I did - I was just doing what needed to be done. Even my allowance was not payment for anything. That is what I have tried to teach my kids. I give to them out of love and there is nothing that they do to earn my love and the things that they do around the house are done because they need to be done - they don't earn things for good behavior. Period. End of story.

However, they understand that those extras are privileges and poor behavior will cause them to lose privileges.

[dulce]

Light, you totally captured it! I remember that song, too and need to get a copy of it...