I don't want to be second to no one

[HulaSista]

I KNOW i am gonna catch heat for this... but.. wtf ever... let's roll with this...

I have this thang about dating. If brotha been married before, i don't want a relationship.

I feel like if we should progress to marriage, i would be a second, or third, or fourth wife.

I am not second to NO ONE.

I don't want second dibs on his Social Security when he dies because 1st wifey done had it set up as part of the alimony suit.

I don't want to be second dibs on his retirement because 1st wifey done had it set up as part of the alimony suit.

I want to be the ONLY one in the front row at the kids weddings and at HIS funeral.

I don't feel like getting along with her just because ya'll freinds.

I understand you got kids, but, why ain't she married off yet and living in another state.

These are the things that cross my mind when a divorcee asks me out on a date.

Am I wrong? I am sure I am.

But I just think a man who ain't never been married before (just as I have) will be more fun to play with since it would be both our first times at this thing.

Plus, who to say that he don't have un-revealed expectation of what I should be based on how his marriage was?

I am sure my ass will end up being second wife to someone. The older i get, "single-never-before-married" men are a rarity.


Roll with this ya'll.

[Tastey]

To bite Que once again...

Gosh...

Hula, girl...get out of my head. lol...if you don't get out of my head I'm gonna start charging you rent. LOL :p

I just met a guy that I like...but he's divorced. He's a great guy...but...dag...it bothers me.

I have not discounted him totally but, I agree that I would like to the first wife, the last wife, the only wife. :)

I too am getting older...it's a fantasy... but it's what I want.

[D2daO2da]

Well, I hear ya.. but what if she out the pic and they had no kids and she don't have a divorce settlement. they just went their separate ways.

Well it's cool to have preferences.. that will narrow down your search. But you may be excluding people with great qualities and they made the wrong choice before they got to you.

Now pay me my $5.00 for getting your back.. lol

D

[HulaSista]

If there is none of that.... and they don't even talk anymore... okay.

But I will still be SECOND... :(

[Toffee]

Like D2DA said.. the older you get the slimmer the pickens... cause you know some single men have children...

But then you have to wonder why such a "great" guy is still single at age 34+

[mystkev]

Everybody has preferences and if that's what u prefer that's okay.
I haven't, but I would date a guy that's divorced. I don't care about things like that. Why should he be punished b/c his first marriage didn't work out?

[Tastey]

Originally posted by mystkev+
Why should he be punished b/c his first marriage didn't work out?

That's a good point Myst.

Honestly I can't even tell you WHY I feel the way I do, just that I feel that way. :confused:

[djackso]

You don't want to be the second or third wife but you rather be the second or third baby momma.
Like a man wants to be the second baby daddy.
Like a man wants to sits next to the first daddy at the birthday party or graduation.
You don't want second dibs on the SSI but you get second dibs on the child support check.
Like a man wants the first daddy having his phone number & address.
Like a man wants to see the man who has been in p***y before him.

Hey D, What side you on?

[que90nek]

whew...this is gettin good...

*puttin microwave popcorn in...now...bout 3 minutes*

[Tastey]

Hold up Djackso.

I am NOT a 2nd or 3rd baby momma. :blah:

I think I'm the 5th. :confused: Damn I lost count. LOL :D :D

Your point is well taken but men are rarely DRAMA filled like women. Sorry ladies...it's the truth. lol

I've dealt with Babymommas I can only imagine...what a evil, bitter ex-wife might be like.


*Side note to Djackso*
This don't mean YOU man....I'll make an exception for you. LOL :p :p

[que90nek]

the entire concept is rather off....but i'm afraid that ya'll already know that. nobody can debate feelings...if u feel a certain way...the only way you can change that is if MR. RIGHT comes along all good...and he just happens to have been married to MS. WRONG.

[D2daO2da]

OK.. I didn't get my $5.00

So I will take this side.

You have a kid already.
Remember Karma, You may attract a person with the same views and they say, they don't want to be second either. You should plan to spend a lot of time at the Local High School to get that special man.

I had this girfriend that was hating on how freaky I was, she though she was the queen until she met me. she couldn't handle being second. So I can understand. But you know in your fantasy with Michal jackson you would be Third...

So would you accept being Third or Fourth with Celebs or would you get over it. Until we create a school that teaches both men and women teens to be responsible young adults, we'll have babies mamas and daddys running around. As far as someone being divorced and you not wanting to share the settlements.. I understand. Hey freedom may contain the word free but it cost something no matter where you go. I didn't get along with my sons mother so the cost of my freedom is Child support, visitiation and private school payments. Sure we are great friends now but it took 6 years after I left to get to this level. P.S. I'm not going back. So can you get what you want, sure you can. If GWB can be president with his dumb ass then you can find your special man, wif no wives, kids or luggage. He'll bring the Kit-Kats.

D

P.S. You wont actually be the second, because you will be his First HULA.

D

[nubianx2]

Hula,
I really hope you met someone that meets your criteria, anything is possible.

Your post kinda makes me wonder though, since I'm a divorced single parent, if just maybe men look at me in that way.

[PecanTan]

My husband has been married before, and so have I. He has a son by adoption from his first wife, and we have a son together. We are all like family. His ex and I talk often enough, no hard feelings or bad blood between the two of us. What they had is over, I don't have a problem with that. As a matter of fact she just got a job offer to come back here and live, she e-mailed me and told me all about it. As a matter of fact I hang out with her sister sometimes. His ex's mother and she send the family gifts for X-MAS, the whole nine. I guess what I am trying to say, that it is not bad in all situations. My girlfriend told me, I would have a problem a problem with that. I said why what they had is over, it dosen't bother me.

[misha]

Hell, my ex husband had been married before, and had children. I ended up liking the ex wife better than I ever liked him...LOL

I can understand where you are coming from hula, you want a man that does not have, for lack of a better term, baggage. But as we all get older, as some have said, the chance of that gets slimmer and slimmer.

I have heard women say that before, and I have heard men say, well, I don't want a woman that spent her 20's getting dogged, played and left with babies, then she gets a little wisdom and decides that my type of man aint so bad after all, and then wants me to have waited for her....humph. And I can see that side too.

I myself, am not bothered by an ex wife or kids. It shows me that he has the capacity to love and be loved, and it shows me what kind of parent he is going to be to children we have together. Actually, an ex wife can be a good indicator as to what can happen if you turn out to be an ex wife yourself.

[FoxEMomma]

I ain't mad at you!!!!

You set your standard and your not gonna negioate it with anyone.

Ain't nofin wrong with that. U may have to wait awhile for this but so what... you're worth it right?

Do ya thang!!

[HulaSista]

Pecan Tan: my mom is a GREAT second wife. her husbands' sister in laws from his first wife can come over and have a gay old time with my mom. but what probably made it easier for her: my step dad's first wife passed away.

d and d: ya'll bring up a valid point: like the other man wants to be chillin with baby daddy at my son's bday party and what not.

but you know what: my future husband and past boyfriends NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER - EVA had to deal with baby daddy drama with me and him. EVA. And that is what I am lookin at. I DON'T bring the drama on and neither my son's father. we are the ideal single parent. Perhaps its just paranoia. I am drama free this long, ain't tryna get into a situation to mess this up.

With MJ, yeah, I would be his 3rd. but see, that's just a fantasy.

2nd or 3rd baby momma? Did I mention I also want a man with kids never married and don't want anymore? therefore, that would rule me out to be 2nd or 3rd baby momma. I am FIRST baby momma to ONE child. that is MORE than enough for me.

if he don't want to meet the man who's been in the pussy before him, then, forget baby daddy, I guess he shouldn't meet some fo my male freinds then (that's another thread)

I'm down for the school for teens becoming young adults. sign me up.

nubian, I KNOW a man probably thought similar of me. I don't even sweat it.

[que90nek]

my wife had the same issues....

she didnt wanna get involved or shall i say stay involved with somebody that's life wasn't as "clean" as hers......

i understand the sacrifices she made within herself to be with me...and that is why there will be NO drama between babymomma and me....i'm not havin it. so far so good.

[Toffee]

Umm men do have issues with other men raising their kids.. So men can definately bring the drama..

[OhSoPrecious]

Originally posted by HulaSista+
I am sure my ass will end up being second wife to someone.

You are not alone~!! :rolleyes: Hell, at the rate I'm going. . . I am willing to have a change of heart~!! (sigh)

[Sparkles]

and ran across this thread, interesting to say the least, just wondering if any of the ladies had a change of heart.

[Tastey]

I can't say I've had a change of heart more like it's been changed for me.

I've learned to be patiend and wait on the Lord.

I have dated a few divorced men since this thread. One never wanted to marry ever again in life and so after a year of dating we parted ways.

The other has remarried to someone else. He cheated on his first wife, and he cheats on her.

So I guess I've had a slight change of heart. I mean I still would love to be the first wife, and mother of ALL of his children. But at 39 that's unrealistic and I'm not gonna block my blessings with something so trivial.

[RockYoKoo]

Ok far as being someones second hubby, if I love her, I could not think of anyone better that can love someones elses kids like my own.

If I loved her then I would marry her. Money should not be the issue, that is something I can make more of. The fact is we need more people that can raise someone elses kids like thier own because there are so many divorces.

I dont know yall I just think that should not even be a factor when it comes to marriage.

Fa real fa real.

ROCK ON

[Brightness]

I stayed out of this one the first go 'round and still don't have anything to add but I'd be interested in hearing HULA's perspective 2 years later.

THANKS for the bump up @ Sparkles, this was a good one. . .mainly because it's a realistic situation for those of us who haven't married as of yet.

[Babygirl]

There is such irony in life, I had a similar standard when I was dating, no men with kids because I wanted "ours" to his first. I luck up and marry a dude with no kids, and come to find out he doesn't want them. LOL. Irony. I would date and marry a divorcee, hell I am about to be one soon myself. As long as he is knowledgeable about his role in the breakupof his marriage, and has learned from his mistakes, why not give him a chance. And if he has kids, well, if it's one or two and he is truly interested in another, great.

[dns70]

The first marriage makes him a better man for the second wife.

You may not be the first one, but you'll be the BEST one.

I don't give a damn about being first...I just want to be BEST.

I want the BEST "her" I can get. And if that means learning from the mistakes of a first failed marriage, then fine.

[HulaSista]

Originally posted by Sparkles
just wondering if any of the ladies had a change of heart.

lol

not really.

i still cringe when a man tells me he's divorced but the eerie feeling doesn't last long. i resolved not to worry about it. when a divorced man ask me to commit in a relationship, THEN i'll break out this thread as a discussion topic. :D it'll make for a good ice breaker into the topic!

Originally posted by Brightness
but I'd be interested in hearing HULA's perspective 2 years later.

[HulaSista]

getting ready to email homey this thread :D lol


naw, we have actually discussed it. he has a similar pov as dns wrote.

he's still trying to convince me.

my outlook has changed slightly: i'm okay with DATING THEM and being in bf/gf relationship: but soon as we talk marriage... UM... its time for a big "sigh", a cup of hot chocolate and a good old therapy/counseling session on me!... lol

in my current case: i would presumably be #4 :eek: ... man... im first to admit that the best way to overcome 'something' is to first live with the THOUGHT of it for a long time before becoming comfortable enough to make a decision in the affirmative about it. i'm giving myself 2 years to live with the thought of it. MAYBE 8 years waiting til anthony is out of high school!

he told me he's a patient man... ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

*wipes sweat off brow*

[Pamalicious]

Currently I am feeling kinda like this. The child can stay but the rest of that needs to go away. This thread is right on time and I gotta work on this one here.

[smoothchris]

You don't want to be the second or third wife but you rather be the second or third baby momma.
Like a man wants to be the second baby daddy.
Like a man wants to sits next to the first daddy at the birthday party or graduation.
You don't want second dibs on the SSI but you get second dibs on the child support check.
Like a man wants the first daddy having his phone number & address.
Like a man wants to see the man who has been in p***y before him.

Hey D, What side you on?


lol good points...

[jaila]

lol at me being confused till i checked the dates

[HulaSista]

here it is a year later... i am still working on this. the idea of marriage sounds great - i KNOW that i will have a good marriage... i just need to get over the stigma of being a fourth wife :blah:

current revolving question in my head about being wife #4: why does it matter that folks will talk about me being stupid for marrying him?

[HulaSista]

my pastor's wife said she had a hard time being a second wife to my pastor. it was both of their's second marriage and she said she didn't sign up for all the drama that came with that. she signed up to be committed to the man, raise the kids and that's it.

she said it took a lot of years but eventually everyone came to grip with them both being married to each other and she learned how to put down her wall and let people into her life.







as i re-read this thread all i could think about is:

single and never married - the new virginity! lol

i feel like i'm holding on to my single status!

[seductive_tee]

I KNOW i am gonna catch heat for this... but.. wtf ever... let's roll with this...

I have this thang about dating. If brotha been married before, i don't want a relationship.

I feel like if we should progress to marriage, i would be a second, or third, or fourth wife.

I am not second to NO ONE.

I don't want second dibs on his Social Security when he dies because 1st wifey done had it set up as part of the alimony suit.

I don't want to be second dibs on his retirement because 1st wifey done had it set up as part of the alimony suit.

I want to be the ONLY one in the front row at the kids weddings and at HIS funeral.

I don't feel like getting along with her just because ya'll freinds.

I understand you got kids, but, why ain't she married off yet and living in another state.

These are the things that cross my mind when a divorcee asks me out on a date.

Am I wrong? I am sure I am.

But I just think a man who ain't never been married before (just as I have) will be more fun to play with since it would be both our first times at this thing.

Plus, who to say that he don't have un-revealed expectation of what I should be based on how his marriage was?

I am sure my ass will end up being second wife to someone. The older i get, "single-never-before-married" men are a rarity.


Roll with this ya'll.


Hula, you still fill this way?

[HulaSista]

Hula, you still fill this way?


Yep... and as of my post 08-20-2006, 11:17 AM ... I struggle with that question too...

[Brightness]

Wife #4????? Jumpin' Jehoshaphat!?!?!?

[HulaSista]

see what i'm saying.

i'm teetering big time. asking myself questions, like,
"why marry?"
"is it really necessary?"
"what benefit is there NOW that he's old and my child is almost out the house?"
"what would we REALLY be building?"
"is there such a thing as growing together for this kind of relationship?"

blah blah blah

but then i realize, its not just him and his old behind - its anyone. that's a new thread i think.