Is my friend's man trying to get with me?

[Vronni]

Last week,one of my friends invited me to go out ,with her and her "friend". The only thing that I knew about him was that he was older and "very nice",in her words. They have been out several times together. I got the impression that there was a little romance going on but nothing really serious. I agreed to go out with them,because she said his boys would be joining us so I wouldn't be a "third wheel" or anything. The three of us went out to dinner and listened to a jazz band and at first ,everything was going well. His friends never joined us but I was having a good time. As the night went on though, ol boy kept cracking jokes and clownin'. He would say little smart remarks about me and even her. But I just clowned right back. He also cursed alot and was kind of vulgar-which I really didn't care for either. But still, we continued to hang out because I'm a mellow person and I didn't want to trip. I figured -he's not my man,he's with my girl,so if that's her taste,so be it. He was not romantic to her at all and even started debating with her about relationships,so I didn' t know what to make of their "relationship". At the end of the night,my friend had gotten drunk off of one drink-she has no tolerance for alcohol,like myself. He decided to drop her off at her house first - my house was actually closer to the spot we were at-but she was drunk and since he lived closer to me and would pass my house on his way home,he decided to drop me off second .We had dropped my friend off at her house and we were on the way back to my house when he asked me if I had ever been to club so & so,because they have a jazz band and really good desserts. I was like "No". Then he asked me if I would like to go there now?. I told him no,that was ok. Maybe I'm being paranoid but I was thinking that he dropped my friend off first so he could try to hang out with me alone. Earlier that night, he also mentioned that I was attractive-while all three of us were together-in the context of a conversation. I said something like " I don't feel like I need to be desperate". He was like "I'm sure you don't-You're an attractive woman. I know men talk to you". This was in front of my friend. She didn't say anything. While he was driving me home,she called him to ask him to come back over but he said No. So,I definetely think there are feelings there-at least on her part. Am I wrong for presuming that he was interested in me since he asked to me hang out after she was gone?

[MsMeelah]

Sis, I think you may be reading into things. It's hard to say. Giving you a compliment does not mean a man wants to get with you. He may have crossed the line when he asked you to go with him. gurl you never know with men.. :rolleyes:

[14KBlaqWmn]

True, you shouldn't assume that he was trying to get with you just because he paid you a compliment or asked you to hang with him afterwards, but since you really didn't know him, it probably was best that you did go home just in case he was shady or wanted to start some mess between you and your friend.

[mystkev]

I am not sure if he was trying to get w/you or not. Since you are attractive he said so, nothing wrong w/that. He could have asked you about going out, b/c he wasn't ready to go home yet.

But you were there, how did he say you were attractive? How did he ask you out to the club? Any strange facial expressions? I am thinking that he might have discussed relationships b/c he wanted you to know they weren't in one. I don't know, but if you feel funny about him I'd steer clear.

[dulce]

uh, yeah, Vronni - sounds like he was definitely trying to get at ya. and you had that gut feeling already so you know what's up. how the hell is he gonna ask you out after he just dropped off your friend? nope - don't think you're reading too much into it. I would have looked at the situation the same way and done the same thing...just said NO! how raggedy is that fool? hopefully, your girl ain't really feeling him & it was just the liquor making her ask him to come back over...

your girl's "friend"<=:hammer

[que90nek]

seems like he doesnt really want your friend! what guy would turn down a booty call from somebody he likes?

having said that....i think that if he likes you he has a right to pursue you and you should consider it.

IF

he didnt really have anything with your friend. HELL...even if he did...seattle doesnt have enough black men to deny your potential Mr Right an opportunity...just because he went on a date with your friend.

[14KBlaqWmn]

que, your comment speaks volumes about how you respect friendship. Ain't no man on this earth worth betraying a friend.

[dulce]

thank you 14K! damn, what was that about, que? so because seattle supposedly has a dearth of black men, she should settle for a triflin-can't-trusted-doesn't really-respect-women man? please...ain't nobody that desperate...

[que90nek]

i don't agree that if you meet a guy first...that means that he is off limits to all your friends...it could be that he was meant for you.

i don't know the extent of their relationship.......

if he doesnt want her....but he wants vronni....her friend should give her the go ahead.


we've had this discussion before....if i ask you to dance...and we dance...now the entire group of women that you are with are off limits...just from a friggin dance....THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

[dulce]

hmmm, where did vronni even say she was interested in him? sounds like he was NOT her type. And the issue here is whether or not he was hitting on her - not whether or not she should try to hook up with him...

[14KBlaqWmn]

que, does dancing require emotional feelings? It doesn't for me. But dating someone even for a brief moment, does get into emotions oftentimes. One person may be diggin the other even though the other person may not be. And even if neither person was feeling each other, I just wouldn't feel right with my friend's leftovers not to mention that to me it's just disrespectful.

Obviously Vronni's friend liked the guy a little, so I think she would have been dead wrong for going after this guy.

[que90nek]

yes, vronni ...is clearly not interested. but i'm just askin the question....is all.

but to answer her question....i don't think he overtly hit on u.

[que90nek]

i just think that ya'll women should be careful declaring guys off limits just because of simple encounters....

i've seen it many many times....from a dance...from one date....etc etc.

[14KBlaqWmn]

Let me ask you this que. If your best friend dated a girl and you knew he really liked her and she really liked him and that somehow they split up, she's now fair game? What about how your boy would feel?

Now let's flip the script. Let's say you're really feeling this girl and she's really feeling you. Something happens and you two split. Your best friend tries to date her. How would you feel?

[que90nek]

dated...what do you mean?

if i knew that he really liked her...of course she would be off limits.

but...if they had only gone out on one/two dates...and he wasnt really feelin her....she would be fair game.

[14KBlaqWmn]

que, it goes deeper than just the surface, which seems to be how you're thinking. Feelings for some run deep and they may fall for someone on the spot whereas someone else it may take some time. At any rate, if I know that my friend likes someone, I am not going to go after that person whether they dated that person yesterday, last month, or ten years ago. That's just disrespectful in my book. Not to mention that that could create an awkward situation if my friend and I have both slept with the same guy and we both have or have had feelings for him. That's just too much drama.

[dulce]

just wonderin' - can men and women really look at friendship that differently? and is hooking up with someone really that serious that you need to pursue a friend's leftovers (even if they barely touched them or just didn't want a doggie bag)?

[14KBlaqWmn]

Originally posted by que90nek+
dated...what do you mean?

if i knew that he really liked her...of course she would be off limits.

but...if they had only gone out on one/two dates...and he wasnt really feelin her....she would be fair game.
Ok, so how is it ok for Vronni to think he's fair game. She knows that her friend has been out with this guy on dates before, and based on her knowing her friend and the fact that her friend called the dude shortly after he dropped her off that obviously she had a little bit of feelings for him. So why would it be ok in Vronni's case, but it would be off limits in yours?

[que90nek]

...you are puttin words in my mouth.

if he cares for her...or likes her...

i would not pursue her.

but us guys are different....

if we go out with a chic....and our partner comes in....and it seems like the chic is showing interest in my partner....i will step aside and let my partner hit it.

BUT

*PLEASE READ THIS, 14K*

if I care about her...my partner wouldnt even try....but he would tell me that it seemed like she was tryin to get at ME{the partner}

with guys...we are chosen we sometimes get to do the choosing...if she is choosing my partner...that's cool...at least one of us get to hit it.

[que90nek]

Originally posted by 14KBlaqWmn+

Ok, so how is it ok for Vronni to think he's fair game. She knows that her friend has been out with this guy on dates before, and based on her knowing her friend and the fact that her friend called the dude shortly after he dropped her off that obviously she had a little bit of feelings for him. So why would it be ok in Vronni's case, but it would be off limits in yours?

in vronni's case he can't be fair game because it seems like her partner really likes the guy.

[14KBlaqWmn]

Nobody put words in your mouth. We have responded to what you typed. If you had mentioned what you just typed about a page ago, this discussion would not have gone this far.

[que90nek]

you have a nasty attitude today, ms 14k.

i have work to do, but will get nasty with you later if you like. :blah:

[14KBlaqWmn]

Originally posted by que90nek+
having said that....i think that if he likes you he has a right to pursue you and you should consider it.

IF

he didnt really have anything with your friend. HELL...even if he did...seattle doesnt have enough black men to deny your potential Mr Right an opportunity...just because he went on a date with your friend.

Originally posted by que90nek+
in vronni's case he can't be fair game because it seems like her partner really likes the guy.
hmmm.... que. Sounds like you're contradicting yourself.

[14KBlaqWmn]

Originally posted by que90nek+
you have a nasty attitude today, ms 14k.

i have work to do, but will get nasty with you later if you like. :blah:
Because I speak my mind, I have a nasty attititude? That's funny to me.

[que90nek]

Originally posted by 14KBlaqWmn+



hmmm.... que. Sounds like you're contradicting yourself.

no, they both say the same thing...

in the first one...it is put back on the friend to give vronni permission...perhaps he is mr right...

[que90nek]

Originally posted by 14KBlaqWmn+

Because I speak my mind, I have a nasty attititude? That's funny to me.

yes.

[14KBlaqWmn]

Well, then, change my name to nasty, because I change for no one.

[que90nek]

i didnt ask you to change.

if you like being nasty...that is ok. that's just u.

[Tastey]

Some women think I'm a b*tch. lol :p

To me once a relationship is over...it's over. So the person is fair game to whomever.

Now if it's not over and feelings are still present...that's different.

I was engaged to a guy that dated my friend first. She slept with him. But she didn't have any feelings for him beyond sexual and when he and I met...we just clicked. I didn't sacrifice my friendship for a man, but I didn't give up on a good man just because she saw him first.

I also have a friend who she and I were engaged to the same man at different times. She met him first they dated about a week then a few years later I met him (didn't know he knew her) we dated several years and were engaged...then they met up again...dated got engaged...broke up...now he's with me. lol She's still my friend, I'm still hers. She no longer has feelings for him and when he was with her I honestly felt it was over and was happy for my friend.

It was never awkward or alot of drama because we conducted ourselves like adults. People are not possesions and people feel differently towards different people at different times in their lives.

Any man that I USED to love is fair game...my best friend could have him and unless he dogged me I would wish her all the best. If he dogged me I'd warn her...and move on.

[davinci]

will 14k attack tastey?

will que return w/ a vengence?

will davinci go on record as agreeing w/ que again?

stay tuned....

[dulce]

tastey, I don't think how you handle situations makes you a bia but I definitely think you and your friend are the exception to the rule. usually feelings are residual and even when it's "over", it ain't over.

[que90nek]

but does that make it right, dulce...

this fickleness over men?

if it's over...it's over or not....???

[14KBlaqWmn]

Originally posted by que90nek+
i didnt ask you to change.

if you like being nasty...that is ok. that's just u.
Huh??? I sense that because I pointed out your contradiction that that constitutes me being nasty. Whateva,que. :rolleyes: I'm done with you.....for now.

Tastey, how is it not an awkward situation to be with someone that's flip flopped between you and a friend. Something don't sound right there.

And D, you stoopid. :p

[que90nek]

putting 14k on ignore...for now.

i just don't have the energy today.

[nubianx2]

Tastey,
I find the fact that you and a friend have shared the same man, totally and completely USUAL. That's not to say that it doesn't happen, but if all persons involved can handle it then, so be it.

But just for the record, NUBIAN AIN'T PUSHING UP ON NOBODY THAT'S BEEN IN THE PRESENCE OF ANY OF MY GIRLS!.

[14KBlaqWmn]

ROTFLMAO http://www.theunholytrinity.org/cracks_smileys/contrib/geno/rofl.gif

[que90nek]

Originally posted by nubianx2+
Tastey,
I find the fact that you and a friend have shared the same man, totally and completely USUAL. That's not to say that it doesn't happen, but if all persons involved can handle it then, so be it.

But just for the record, NUBIAN AIN'T PUSHING UP ON NOBODY THAT'S BEEN IN THE PRESENCE OF ANY OF MY GIRLS!.

your last sentence is what i was referring to. "been in the presence..."

[Tastey]

Originally posted by 14KBlaqWmn+


Tastey, how is it not an awkward situation to be with someone that's flip flopped between you and a friend. Something don't sound right there.
:p

It's all in how you handle situations. I have unconditional love for him and although it bothered me that he was with someone else I know that she is a good person, and I felt that they would be happy together. I wanted that for him because that's what unconditional love is all about.

We have run into her and her new man out at restaurants or whatever we speak, act cordial and move on. I don't see a reason to feel awkward.

I can see his attraction to both of us because we are alot alike. I can see his becoming engaged to both of us again because we are alot alike. I can see her loving him because I do.

Sometimes you have to put yourself in another person's shoes and stop always thinking of ME ME ME. I'm sorry you don't understand it...but it sounds exactly right to me.

[14KBlaqWmn]

So Tastey, do you not think that he may leave you and go back to her. If he did, would you feel the same way about her? about him?

[Vronni]

Actually,I live in Portland not Seattle. While it's true that there are not enough (good) men in Portland, I am not trying to date someone that has dated my friend. I have done that in the past and I do not want to go there again. Honestly,I only think that my friend invited him back over that night because she was out of it. But she's celibate so what she had in mind that night, I don't know. I am not saying that the man was trying to get with me-I am not trying to be arrogant- he was probably just being friendly-I just got a strange vibe-my immediate reaction about going somewhere with him alone was,NO. I am not attracted to him,even remotely, but even if I was,I still don't think that it would be appropriate. If I really want to date him and he wanted to date me,my friend would probably say go ahead but I would pass. And maybe this sounds selfish,but I wouldn't want any of my friends to date my exes, either....

[dulce]

aaaah que, what fickleness? every situation and the people involved are different, right? and how tastey and her girl handled their business worked for them. how are they fickle? and how does that apply to every woman? and wasn't the point of this thread to determine whether or not vronni's friends booty-ass date was trying to get at HER?

just standing here in left field...

[Tastey]

Originally posted by 14KBlaqWmn+
So Tastey, do you not think that he may not leave you and go back to her. If he did, would you feel the same way about her? about him?

Why would he? He was with her and he didn't leave her for me. The relationship simply did not work out. It's not like he was with me one day then her then me then her. 2 yrs passed between him first meeting her then meeting me. We had been apart over a year when he met up with her again. And they have been apart over a year that I've been back with him.

But if he did, he did. My life would go on.

He might leave me tomorrow for someone else. I might leave him for someone else. I don't spend my time thinking up ridiculous scenarios that "might" happen. I focus on making my relationship work.

[14KBlaqWmn]

Uh huh!!! :rolleyes:

[Tastey]

Originally posted by 14KBlaqWmn+
Uh huh!!! :rolleyes:

And the award for the snappiest comeback in a thread goes to 14k. RTLOL :p :D

[14KBlaqWmn]

Thank you. I accept it graciously. :D :rolleyes: :D

[CD]

From a mans point of view....ole boy was pushing up to see how far he can go.

For me there is no way I'm going to ask my girl's friend out without asking her first. That can cause problems down the road.

[seductive_tee]

Originally posted by Vronni+
Am I wrong for presuming that he was interested in me since he asked to me hang out after she was gone?

I think you did the right thing...him asking you out right after he dropped you friend and his (supposedly) was wrong.

Did you tell your friend he asked you out?

[seductive_tee]

Originally posted by nubianx2+
But just for the record, NUBIAN AIN'T PUSHING UP ON NOBODY THAT'S BEEN IN THE PRESENCE OF ANY OF MY GIRLS!.

AMEN!!!!!!!!!!

[Vronni]

I didn't tell her tee. I didn't want to make something out of nuthin (if it is indeed nuthin)

[SoftNwet]

Originally posted by Vronni+
I didn't tell her tee. I didn't want to make something out of nuthin (if it is indeed nuthin)

Keep your lips sealed, it will always sbe turned around that you were trying to holla once she got out of the car. Just limit your contact with him and hopefully she will see the light.

[Vronni]

well,I was just emailing my friend. She said that he is just a friend and he wants to take US out to a play this week.I will pass on that. He had already invited her while we were out at dinner,I see no reason to add myself to the equation,again....

[que90nek]

just a friend....

just a friend.....seems like he would have been available...if he was appealing to you.

[nubianx2]

Originally posted by que90nek+
just a friend....

just a friend.....seems like he would have been available...if he was appealing to you.

Come on Que, she's already said she's not/isn't/wasn't attracted to him.

Let it go.:hammer

[Vronni]

I'm confused,que. are you suggesting that I want go out with him? I'll say it again. I'm NOT attracted to him. Plus he's like 15 years older, out of the age range of men I would even date.But that's not the issue,I have had friends who exes are fine and are just the the kind of man that I would like to date,but because there had dated my friend, I didn't date them when they asked....

[Sparkles]

Although I would NEVER date an Ex of someone that a "friend" have dated, It has happen to me, and I really didn't care. Let me explain for me to date a friend ex would be disrespectful it I knew there were emotions involved however, I would not wont to stand between what could be a good relationship. I think it has do with how close you are to an individual also.

Example 1 My dear good friend, she knew of only 1 person that I thought I was so in love with and I told her before I moved away that he was hand off material. I guess she didn't hear me because during a visit I had heard she trying to get at im. So months had past and she called me and asked me for his # and I gave it to her. WtF-he wasn't my man so whateva. Few days later he calls asking why would give his #to her, I was like I did't wont to knock your hustle or what have ya. Per her they never hooked up. Now skip up a few more year, i was holling at the dud name Wayne, yep she knew. Mind you she was my roomate now so we go home to visit and she saying let go by wayne how, I am like sure. I drop her azz and don't see her until the next morning. Okay, we come back home everything cool, she ends up pregnant she assume by her boyfriend "TONY' but had to bring her back a few months when she slept with wayne, oh shit now her mom forces her to Abort?!?!?!?! My point not one time as close as we were did she feel like she was doing anything wrong. Yeah I could have said something but what would have been the point. She still would have slept with him probably either in front of my face ,or behind my back.....

I just knew how to handle her from that point on, and when my husband now and boyfirend at the time hooked up, I knew she had to get gone, cause I would caught a charge for sho!!!!!!

[que90nek]

Originally posted by Vronni+
I'm confused,que. are you suggesting that I want go out with him? I'll say it again. I'm NOT attracted to him. Plus he's like 15 years older, out of the age range of men I would even date.But that's not the issue,I have had friends who exes are fine and are just the the kind of man that I would like to date,but because there had dated my friend, I didn't date them when they asked....
no thats not what i was saying.

i was saying that he seems to be available. not that you want him.

[Vronni]

ok.cool