Was it just P-T (Prison Talk)

[Reesecup1]

Good evening, Hush Fam members, and long time no hear from....

As a few of you may know, I have a daugter. She's at 3 years of age. Her father has not been in her life at all, up until the end of the year 2000, and he just started claiming that she was his child. He has never did anything to help out with our daughter. It has always been myself, my mother, and my sister. I know, I know, same old story, you heard it once before. However, he did alot of things that added up to him being sent to prison. He was locked up for a little over a year, and just got out Wednesday. While he was locked up, he called (of course by 3-way, there is no way I was accepting them high cost calls) every other day, for a year straight, to see how his daughter and myself were doing. He acted like he couldn't wait to get out, because he really wanted to see our daughter. I'll admit, he wanted to see her when he got out, but I was like " You know where your daughter is staying, so it's up to you, if you want to see her". Then I told his sister, it wouldn't be a good idea for him to see her that night. I'd rather him see her on the weekend. He called to see her today, and I started bitching at him, and he said that when he got ready, he would call me, but I haven't heard from him.

I have to admit, I can be a B-I-T-C-H, but I don't like being lied to. To get to the point, why is it when a man is locked up, he misses what he has, when he gets out, he acts like he dont know you?

:blah:

[swtjamaica]

....lemme get this straight...baby daddy was locked up, got out, wanted to see baby when he got out... you told him he knows where his baby is to come see her, then when he wants to come see her, you tell his sister it wasn't a good idea, to call you on the weekend, and when he called, you started bitchin' at him... so then he said he'd call you, but hasn't yet...and you feel lied to???
why?? according to the info provided, you are the only reason he hasn't seen his daughter yet...he probably hasn't called also because he doesn't want you bitchin at him again... for heaven's sake, let that man see his kid!!!

[Reesecup1]

Let me set the record straight. I don't have a problem with my baby girl's father coming to see her. Just not at no dang 9 and 10 pm. Besides, if he really wanted to see his child all that bad, he wouldn't and shouldn't let what I say or do, effect his relationship with his girl. All the bull sh*t I have been through behind him, he ought to be glad he can get into contact with my a**. His problem is not with me, it's with him not being able to handle the truth. The last thing I want, is for a nigga trying to tell me what to do with our daughter, when he aint doing, and never has done sh*t.

[swtjamaica]

..you're giving pieces of information...you didn't mention that he wanted to come by at 9 or 10pm when you first posted...you also didn't mention that he was attempting to tell you how to do and what to do with your baby...believe it or not, what you say actually does have an affect on him and whether or not he comes to see his child...you could tell him something one day, and he ignores what you say to him, and the next thing he knows, you are moving heaven and earth to prevent him from ever seeing his kid...don't say it can't happen...i've seen it too many times...whatever the truth may be, an open dialogue between the two of you is necessary for the betterment of the relationship between him and his kid...you don't want to end up looking like the bad guy in this one later in life...feel me?

[lightandlovely1]

The correct thing is that if he wanted to see his daughter, then he wouldn't let anything stop him. However, just because it's the correct thing doesn't mean that it's the thing he will do. In my experience with men, they will avoid conflict at almost any cost. Particularly if there's a chance that the conflict could escalate. How about you working something out with set times for him to see his child?

Now, back to your original question. I suspect that men in prison need something on the outside to connect with. Makes them feel like they are still a part of the outside world.

[que90nek]

...

do you have a boyfriend?
does he have a girlfriend?

"I have to admit, I can be a B-I-T-C-H, but I don't like being lied to. "

and...What was the lie?

[Brightness]

Hmmm. . .I'm going to reserve my judgements mainly because I don't know the extent of the story and all the pertinent history.

On the surface, it's easy to say that he's in the wrong and I can see why there would be animosity on your part for some of the most basic things.

I know there are enough single mothers here on the HUSH who have a lot of years under their belts as far as dealing with deadbeat dads. . .and the best advice I can give you after personally having 12 years of madness is to let go of the anger. I know it may seem easier sad than done but when you do and you lower your expectations of this man. . .then anything he does to the contrary will just be a pleasant surprise and if he continues to confirm you beliefs then you didn't maintain unrealistic expectations of him.

Good Luck. . .

P.S. . . . another thing is don't let him get to the point of seeing you upset, when you do that you are actually making his day.

[Reesecup1]

I have to admit something else... It's hard for me to get used to someone other than myself, being over our daughter. I'm so used to being the only one raising her, and providing for her, that for her father to walk back into her life, I can't take it. But, it seems like he uses me as an excuse, to go out and party.

[que90nek]

Originally posted by que90nek+
...

do you have a boyfriend?
does he have a girlfriend?

"I have to admit, I can be a B-I-T-C-H, but I don't like being lied to. "

and...What was the lie?

you are the one raising her. what does this have to do with you allowing daddy to visit her?

uses u as an excuse to party....you just lost me.

please answer the above questions.......

[Reesecup1]

I do not have a boyfriend. I choose not to know if he has a girlfriend, because I don't care if he does. The fact that he just got out, his family has probably been putting pressure on him to go see his daughter, but the things that I say, which are only the truth, is what he allows himself to stop from seeing his daughter.

[que90nek]

so you feel like he is lying and really doesnt want to see his daughter? you feel like he is too busy out in the streets partying to make time for his daughter?

You say that he called the entire time he was in.....so why can't it be HIM that wants to see his daughter and not just his families influencing him?

What is the LIE that he told u?

[Reesecup1]

What I really believe is, while he was running the streets, as long as I was doing my job, he didn't feel like he should come and spend time with babygirl. But, it was while he was on lock down, that he begin to appreciate all that I was doing for our babygirl. However, while he is out, he is going back to his old ways. My daughter is only used to talking to him over the phone. I know how it feels to have a father in and out of your life. I don't want him coming in and out of my daughter's life, and my daughter feeling the hurt, like how I feel behind my father.

[que90nek]

he has a lot of catch up to do...

stay positive...don't let your past effect your daughter's future. she will be better off having some type of relationship with him...even if it is somewhat limited.

be proactive......but don't give up...every block of time you allow him...he may not be available....that is just life.

[Reesecup1]

I have to start being positive. For what it's worth, at least he did make attempts to want to see her. I guess I should be grateful for that.

[que90nek]

well...grateful...is a strong word.

reese...you turned out ok.

despite the uninvolvement of your father...you survived...and you are a strong black woman!

but you do recognize the need for a relationship with your father....you still want one today. :)

[Admin]

Miss Cup....here's my 3 cents.

1. Sounds like you are harboring the issue with your father and this is leading to you not feeling baby daddy.

2. Your daughter is only 3 years old, so please relax a lil child.

3. Your relationship with baby daddy is over...so let it go.

4. You have never been to jail (neither have I), so who are you so speculate on what being on lock down will do or make you think.

5. Let the man see his daughter.

6. Nigga might change his ways if he see's his kid on the regular. I thought this is what you wanted?...even for your father to do, change his ways. Huh?

7. Ain't nobody trying to take away your parental control, and you do acknowledge that your daughter is a product of TWO people...not just one. Wheter you like it or not,even a court judge will tell you that the father will have a say in the childs upbringing. The only way to stop that is DEATH.


Holla;)

[Reesecup1]

Don't tangle & twist what I said. I appreciate the years that my father was in my life. I have learned alot from my father. I am not the reason why my father is stuck on stupid. Yes, I am still hurt over the fact that my father left us. It doesn't make it right, but I have been living without my father for a long time now.

How many times do I have to tell you people, that I have nothing against my daughter's father, coming to see his little girl. My thing is either you will be in her life, or leave her alone. Yes she is very young, I have been the one providing for her, spiritually and materially. I have been the one struggling with her since day one, and until she reaches that age where she can decide for herself, I am making the decisions that I believe are best for my daughter, as well as myself. About our relationship being over, and I should let it go, baby I have let that sh*t go, 5 years ago. Since then, I have had someone else in my life, who I am still in love with, one who cares for my daughter, as if she was his own.

About my daughter's father, he can do what ever the flying f**k he wants to do, as long as he don't call me, being stupid. I have time for games. Oh! Did I forget to mention that while he was locked up, he begged for us to get back together, and YES, I said No! I don't think so. It ain't happening. I am not feeling it.

[que90nek]

reese....we are just tryin to completely understand your situation.

Could you give an example of him calling you and "being stupid"?...a recent one?

Could you give an example of him lying to you?...a recent one?

Could you give an example of him "playing games"?...yes, a recent one?

I almost have forgotten the original question....let's see...in order for you to find out if it was just prison talk...is for you to continue to give him the opportunity to put action to his words.

[Tastey]

Originally posted by Reesecup+
I'll admit, he wanted to see her when he got out, but I was like " You know where your daughter is staying, so it's up to you, if you want to see her". Then I told his sister, it wouldn't be a good idea for him to see her that night. I'd rather him see her on the weekend. He called to see her today, and I started bitching at him, and he said that when he got ready, he would call me, but I haven't heard from him.

I have to admit, I can be a B-I-T-C-H, but I don't like being lied to. To get to the point, why is it when a man is locked up, he misses what he has, when he gets out, he acts like he dont know you?
:blah:

Okay, I'm just gone put in on out there. That's on YOU my sister. He tried to see his daughter twice since he got out less than a week ago and it didn't suit YOU. Now maybe you had valid reasons for it not to suit you but just be mindful of the fact that he tried 2x.

Put yourself in his shoes for just one minute. He got out of jail all hyped to see his daughter...you said no wait until the weekend. So he waited until the weekend...then you start b*tching at him, now he hasn't called back...Cmon Reese, do you not see your part in that?

Secondly, I don't see the lie you mentioned. Yeah men in jail tell all kinds of lies...I know from experience...but where did this man lie? He said he wanted to see his daughter, he tried. No lie there.

Give him some time, he'll call again. I know there is a lot of resentment and anger built up, it's rough being a single parent but if you HONESTLY want him to see his daughter then you are going to have to let it go.

I think that you are hesitant about him seeing her and that's why you acted the way you did. Just my opinion, but I think you want to make it difficult on him so that he can PROVE to you he's worthy by going through whatever to get to her.

Just give him a chance, whether he deserves it or not.

[Versatile]

Originally posted by admin
Miss Cup....here's my 3 cents.

1. Sounds like you are harboring the issue with your father and this is leading to you not feeling baby daddy.

2. Your daughter is only 3 years old, so please relax a lil child.

3. Your relationship with baby daddy is over...so let it go.

4. You have never been to jail (neither have I), so who are you so speculate on what being on lock down will do or make you think.

5. Let the man see his daughter.

6. Nigga might change his ways if he see's his kid on the regular. I thought this is what you wanted?...even for your father to do, change his ways. Huh?

7. Ain't nobody trying to take away your parental control, and you do acknowledge that your daughter is a product of TWO people...not just one. Wheter you like it or not,even a court judge will tell you that the father will have a say in the childs upbringing. The only way to stop that is DEATH.


Holla;)



Great minds think alike. Very well put.