"The Bus Driving Football Coach Pimp"...a screenplay

[davinci]

SETTING

Suburban High School

CAST

Coach Jenkins (the pimp bus driver)
Principal Skinner (idiot who never saw it coming)
Becky Sue (ho...gotta make it a white girl or it won't be funny)
Rachel (Becky's friend with common sense)
?
?
Janitor
Lunch Lady 1 (knew she was "fast" all the long)
Lunch Lady 2 (sympathizes, 'casue she was once a ho)

[aintnojoke]

Falls out holdin stomach laughin hella hard!!! FOHSLHH!!!

D....You is Stoooopid!!

[Iris21]

Rachel: (in poor valley girl voice): Hey Beck-E-Sue we're going to the mall after school today, I've just GOT to have another one of those super slim, extra tight H&M jeans! You coming with?

BS: (in poor y-t southern drawl) Nah, I gots to work today

R: OK it's Friday, tell me Coach Jenkins is still working you on the weekends?

BS: yup

R: Well I just don't understand! A girl's gotta shop and selling your twang w/ a big 'ol bus following you around ...well it's just not cool!

BS: But I told him I'd help out and it's for a good cause. All of the money goes to the team. Didya notice the new jerseys?

R: Whatever... gotta go

[aintnojoke]

I got a better working title.


"How I was pimped by the Bus driving Football Coach"

[Iris21]

Like the new title!

[davinci]

STANDING OFF TO THE SIDE

Principal Skinner: These kids sure are big.

Coach Jenkins: They sure are...uh heh heh.

PS: How's the team looking this year?

CJ: My team got knocked by Frostbite...oh, the football team...ok? Got some squares coming out.

*Becky Sue picks up tray and makes eye contact with CJ*

IN THE LUNCH LINE

Becky Sue: Rachel, you see that new football coach?

Rachel: How could I miss the idiot in the crushed velvet Bike shorts and perm?

BS: You're so silly, I think he's cute.

PAN TO LUNCH LADY 1

LL1: Look at these fast ass girls.

Lunch Lady 2: Now now, they just trying to figure themselves out.

LL1: Mess around and get pregnant, being all fast.

LL2: yeah...(looks off to the sky)

BACK TO PS AND CJ

CJ: Aight Principal Jenkins, gotta go check some traps.

PS: huh...Okay, bye...GO FALCONS!

[Iris21]

Becky Sue says to Rachel:

BS: I'll right back, ok? (walking off)

BS to CJ: Um er, Hi!

CJ: Hi

BS: I like your shorts, they're hot.

CJ: That ain't all that's hot...

BS: Um, My name's Becky Sue and I hear you're the new football coach.

CJ: Yeah I got balls, Uh I mean I keep balls..yeah

BS: hee hee, well I wuz wundering if I could try out for your team

CJ: O yeah? You ever blow.............................................. ...........................a whistle?

BS: Well no, but ain't there a first time for everything?

CJ: How's your backend game?

BS: I thinks I can handle it.

CJ: Ok, well I'll hold a special practice just for you, meet me at Kim-Wa Hair Supply shop on Martin Luther King Blvd. I'm outta crown royal gotta pick up some... and bring some money w/ you. Afterwards, I'll see how well you can work the street...uh I mean work the field.

BS: ok, meet you after school.

[davinci]

AS CJ LEAVES

Some Teachers Gathered...:Coach, we gone get some dubs this years?

CJ: Shyt, I got it for cheap, 2 for five...oh, wins, uh...yeah.

*some teachers look at one another circumspectfully*

[Iris21]

Mr. Franklin the the science teacher walks up on BeckySue's job

MF: Hey Becky Sue, I got a science project 4 YOU!

CJ: What?

MF: oh, yo I didn't know, I thought she's doin business

CJ: yeah, well it's true that she's a ho

MF: she with you, playa? cause I'd really like to buck her"
looked at her, said, "baby, I'm a raw mother fu&*er

CJ: yeah, that might be true, but she don't need another nucka
Ain't no choosin, jump off slick, this one here's my snucka

MF: whatchu mean by snucka?

CJ: It ain't too hard to figga, You call your nigga nucka,
snucka means she-nigga And figure this too, the bi&*h is down for my dirty drawers Find another ho to go for yours"

MF: but, I like her

CJ: you must be a rookie" Now figure this three, he cut me off and stepped to Becky

MF: how do you feel about this, my dear?

CJ: nigga you don't check my bit*h like I ain't standin here! Now I told you that this woman sells pu**y for me You and her ain't the two, and we ain't the three But most of all nigga, I ain't the one
Now back the f^*k up off me son!

[aintnojoke]

Damn this is good. Go head ya'll...LOL


*sits back down in Producer's chair*

[davinci]

MF: *whispers as he walks away* I'll get even with you, nukka

PAN TO JANITOR "MOPPING" FLOOR AROUND THE CORNER *whistling*

ON THE FOOTBALL FIELD

Quarterback in the Huddle: Let's do this shyt right, 'cause I don't want to hear this velvet short wearing muthafuckas mouth again

TEAM: Yeah! BREAK!!

QB: Blue 32...Blue 32

CJ: Lick like dey gone fuck it up again, coach...*Beep Beep Beep* PAGER GOES OFF

Football Head Coach: Is that one of your ho's (other coaches snicker)? Did Frostbite give you some back? Heard he knocked all your bitches... (snickers)

CJ: Yeah Yeah Yeah...I gots me a new crop a growin'

FOOTBALL HITS CJ IN THE HEAD...

QB: Sorry Coach

CJ: *checking his perm* NIGGA IS YOU CRAZY!!! *reaches for straight razor, but then collects himself*

IN GEOMETRY CLUB

Rachel: Becky, you got that $5 i gave you last week?

BS: Naw, I gave it to...I spent it.

R: Why are you sniffin' and shyt all the time...oh my gawd...it's gross.

BS: I...I...Mr McGillacutty, may I be excused.

MM: Sure

BS WALKS TO WINDOW TO LOOK AT FOOTBALL FIELD

CJ IS TALKING ON HIS CELL and LOOKS UP TO SEE BECKY IN WINDOW

*he smiles and sun tings off his gold tooth*

BS GETS WATERY EYES

ON THE SIDE OF THE FIELD TALKING IN PHONE

CJ: This nigga gone try to get her to choose in front of me...i told him i ain't the one. shyt, I'm late for my route...i'll have that bitch there at 9. I don't take checks

[aintnojoke]

Camera pans to the left and sees Tall female walking towards CJ.


Lady: (yells) CJ....Coach....CJ....Nucca you hear me!


CJ: (turns around rolls eyes) Bitch didn't I tell you not to come your happy ass up here. I'm trying to keep this PI. What it do?

Lady: Nucca, I dont give a good damn about what you sayin. That shit you sold me last night was straight hay. Why you didnt call me back? You didnt, cause you know that shit wasn't Purple. Ya fake perm wearin....

CJ: Look bitch, (gets in her face, puts finger in face) DONT BRING YOUR ASS UP HERE NO MO! (walks off saying)....Maybe you need REHAB....Triflin Batch!


Lady: FUCK YOU CJ!!!

CJ: This bitch damn near got me caught up.....(Fades to black)

[davinci]

Loud Ass Kids on the Bus

CJ with Blunt rolled behind his ear: Yall lil nigglets bets to keep it down!

Some KID: Fuck you!

SCREACHING BRAKES

*all students collide with seat in front of them*

CJ: who the fuck said that?!

SILENCE

CJ: Imma count to 10 and then I start slapping...i'll eventually get to the one who said it

SNITCH: It was Johnny Tyler

JT: *eyes wide open* no...no...it wasn't

CJ: *parking bus in the middle of the street walks to the back*

BACK DOOR OPENS AND KIDS BREAK CAMP!

ONE HOUR LATER AT THE BUS BARN

Trolly Ashton: You sure did finish early

CJ: yeah

TA: you got any weed on you?

CJ: who told you i got weed?

TA: nukka you sold me some last month?

CJ: oh...not right now, seems as though my latest supply is not my usually high quality

TA: okay

CJ: hey, i'm brakin in this new piece of ass tonight at 9.

TA: that last bitch you was parading was missing her teeth

CJ: nigga that was a reserve. this one is nice

TA: where you find her

CJ: she from my job

TA: the HS, nah nigga...

CJ: nah...the...uh...other job...

TA: nigga this is your ova job

CJ: nigga i got plenty of jobs, you want some or not?

TA: nah, just give me my weed tomorrow

CJ: aight

[Iris21]

Loud Ass Kids on the Bus

CJ with Blunt rolled behind his ear: Yall lil nigglets bets to keep it down!

Some KID: Fuck you!


d us sick dude... (roflmao @ kids break out)... whew! :p

[Iris21]

The last student exits the bus in front of the school, Becky Sue stands on the side of the steps talking to a crowd of male teachers clad in white daisy dukes and mini tube top and fake fur coat. Rachel runs over.

R: Becky Sue! ExCUSE me, Becky SUE!

BS: Yea? I'll be right back boys...

R: Look here, u got my $5.00?

BS: No I told you I ...don't have it, why u pressed 'bout it, daaaamn!

R: Look money's kinda tight and I, well I just need to make some quick cash.

BS: Umph

R: Becky Sue

BS: Yea???

R: You think maybe I can do a little work for Coach Jenkins?

BS: AH HELL NAh!

R: No, I mean like just for a couple of days, just a quick job or two to make some extra money.

BS: Biatch, u think Imma let a square heffa like u work for my boo? Ain't nobody getting close to my velvet buns but me, ya heard?

R: But Becky...

BS: I said NAH biatch!

R: What if I were to tell you that I could help you become a bottom biatch?

BS: Girl I can't be no bottom, I'm too little! Wait...A whut?

R: Bottom Biatch! They are like um...princesses ...yea that's the ticket...and I'd ..um I'd be like a chamber maid! Yeah I'd do the work and you would get pampered and nobody could take your place...ever!

BS: A princess...oo I'd like that

R: Well if you let me work for Coach Jenkins, you would automatically become his bottom biatch...uh I mean princess!

BS: Bottom Biatch, I could do that.

Becky Sue looks over and sees an empty bus and the familiar glare of velvet shorts against the cold winter sun.

BS: I'll be back, lemme talk to boo... and I'll tell him, make me bottom biatch NOW!

R: Narley!

[misha]

Yall are killing me! Laughing my ass off at Narley...ROFL

[davinci]

CJ thinks: I'm BACK!

CJ: so, what was them niggas talking over there? that bitch-nigga Franklin over there?

BS: nah, baby...

CJ: ok...say, how much money you got on you?

BS: uh...none

CJ: bitch, i smell $5 and 23 cents

BS: well...I owe

CJ: WHAT!

BS: Baby...

CJ: didn't i tell you you don't worry about money no more? didn't i put you in furs and shyt...

BS: yeah, daddy...

*CJ holds out his hand*

*BS hands over $5 and turns to go get Rachel*

CJ: ahem!...that 23 cents?

[aintnojoke]

HAHAHAHAHA...No he didn't ask for the $.23....D you crazy...LOL

[aintnojoke]

BS: But Daaaaaddy (keeps glancing at Rachel), you didn't answer me about my girl. She's choosin you, she wants to be down Daddy.


CJ: That square ass bitch choosin me (looks dumbfounded...thinking to self)? Well I'll be damned. Okay, tell that bitch I'll get at her when I'm ready to put her on the track. What I want you to do is get that bitch ready. So when I say jump, that bitch is already 10 feet in the air. You do good with her, you'll be my bottom bitch fa sho. Now be your ass here at 9pm, I aint in the mood to beat that ass.


BS: (uncontrollable grin and thinking to self) *That bitch isn't going to know what hit her. I'mma bout to turn her out fa real.* Okay Daddy, I'll be there.
(walks off switching harder than ever)


-Camera follows BS as she walks to Rachel-


Rachel: So what did he say? Are you the bottom bitch, can I be down. What?

BS: He said that it's not a good time for you to work. He wants me to work with you and if you are good, I'll be the bottom bitch. (still grinning uncontrollably)

Rachel: That's totally fucking awesome. I told you it would work...So when do we get started.

BS: Be at my swim house by 6pm. I gotta go to the store first. Don't be late, you know I gotta meet my Daddy tonight. Bye

[davinci]

MF: so rachel, did she buy it?

R: i'm sure she did.

MF: good, this is the only way to save your friend

R: i hope you're right...i feel scandalous

MF: don't. now run off and get ready for the next phase

R: okay

MF: heh heh, i'll teach that nigga to talk to me like he's crazy

[seductive_tee]

Ya'll better claim rights to this......lol

[davinci]

BS: now making this money...

R: you mean trickin'?

BS: hmph...rachel...all you have to do is make the man...

R: you mean the john?

*BS glares at Rachel*

R: Becky, do you ever feel dirty?

BS: why? Coach Jenkins loves me...

R: do you even know his real name?

BS: Lucious

R: Lucious Jenkins...nevamind...love makes him make you trick?

BS: i do what i do so that we can get a house and some nice things, you know, when we get married

R: married...what the heck, Becky!

BS: now, Rachel, as the bottom bitch, I can't have you talking about daddy like that around me.

*rachel rolls her eyes*

BACK AT THE BUS YARD

CJ: Trollaaaay!

TA: what?!

CJ: Let me holla at you.

TA: You got the shyt

CJ: not yet, but i gotta question.

TA: yeah?

CJ: you ever seen something like this...?

*CJ pulls down his shorts and...*

TA: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!

*CJ pulls out a wad of money and laughs*

TA: nigga i thought you had "the clap" or something

CJ: i wish a bitch would think a notion of giving me some shyt like that...i'd peel her head like a onion!

TA: where'd you get that money?

CJ: nigga you know i'm a hustler

TA: what you gone do with it?

CJ: you ever watch that show "pimp my ride?" i need to upgrade my stankin' lincoln

TA: oh yeah

CJ: your cousin still got that shop on Malcolm X?

TA: yeah

CJ: i need to holla at him

[aintnojoke]

Back at Becky's Swim House


BS: Are you finished?

Rachel: Finished what?

BS: Talking about Daddy? Cause we need to get this lesson moving, I dont
have much time before I leave to meet him. (grabs banana out of bag)

Rachel: Yeah for now? What are you going to do with the Banana Becky?
I know you're not about to.....

BS: Relax Rachel, no I'm not about to put this in my cooch....Dumb ass.
I'm going to show you how to make a man nut in your mouth.

Rachel: Ewwww, why do I want him to do that?

BS: Are you not in need of money? (Rachel nobs yes) Well. then inorder for you to get paid, this what you must do. (as she peals back the skin)
Now make a O with your lips. No girl, wider than that, you can't even fit a pencil threw your lips. Watch me.....(Becky begins to demo on how to suck dick)

5 minutes later...Banana everywhere.

Rachel: (mouthfull) Do I do it right?

BS: (laughin hard) Yeah.....But you need more practice. Take home this banana and get busy. I gotta go meet my Daddy.

[davinci]

MF: so Coach, I hear you adding to your stable

CJ: what?

MF: i hear you adding to your stable

CJ: fuck you talking about, square?

MF: i see your lil bottom bitch talking to her buddy more

CJ: they friends, fuck they s'posed to do?

MF: why the hostility, brother?

CJ: look here nigga

*CJ walks up close to Franklin and pulls out his shiv and sticks it in MF's face*

CJ: I told you about sniffin around my piece. I am about two seconds from shankin this steel in your fucking eye

MF: be easy...i'm your brotha...your brotha!

*MF smiles and casually pushes Jenkins's shank out of his face*

CJ: don't ask me shyt else about my bitches

MF: bitches?

*CJ walks out*

MF (to himself): this fried, dyed and laid to the side muthafucka pulled his lil toothpick out on me....

*Janitor runs in*

Janitor: you alright, Detective?

MF: yeah, Officer Sweeper. I thought we were about to blow cover and have to shoot this bastard

Janitor: alright, Detective Buster, I'll report this one and go keep an eye on our perp.

[davinci]

aintno

iris

...i needs some creative help